know your self + your parts
i have been on a mission to get unstuck for a very long time now. and the number one thing that has made a difference to how i navigate struggle and stuckness is to take a parts approach… to think of myself as both a SELF (inner self, true self) and parts.
for me, this has been really helpful in allowing and embracing all aspects of my self – even the parts that don’t feel like my soul self or true self (for instance, my impatience, my depression, my judgey self, my ragey self).
this notion has also helped me to practice self-compassion, which was something i used to think was nice but intangible. as soon as i embraced my parts the whole idea of self-compassion clicked into place and now i can turn towards my struggling, agitated, sabotaging, sometimes frustrating parts and love them up instead of trying to fix them, eradicate them, or overcome them.
the self
the way i define SELF is: the you that is just for you.
so, beyond the roles we play, beyond our traits or characteristics, beyond how we show up in the world or who we have needed to be or how the world sees us… the SELF is your innermost essence.
i believe that the more we learn how to strengthen our sense of SELF, to activate that true SELF, and to lead with true SELF the more we can navigate this crazy ride called life… the more we can be and do all of the things we are here to be and do.
some ways to activate the self are: compassion, connection, clarity, confidence, courage, creativity, curiosity, calm, care
the parts
Richard Schwartz, the author no bad parts, developed a model of the self and parts called internal family systems (IFS)… you will sometimes also hear it called parts psychology or i like to say that i take a parts approach to self-coaching. rather than “mono-mind” approach (where we have one mind with different thoughts, beliefs, feelings), the parts approach says we have a Self and a number of discrete minds or parts.
i will note that i am not a therapist and i am certainly not an expert of IFS therapy, however when it comes to coaching/leading/guiding myself it has been really helpful to borrow from this idea of parts – to see those aspects within us not as our true self or even in opposition to our true self, but simply one part of us that we can offer compassion and guidance.
in fact life is about activating our truest self and honouring all the parts of us!
Tom Holms, the author of parts work, describes Self as the conductor of an orchestra “all our parts are musicians playing the instruments that make the music of our lives. without musicians there is no music. without the conductor the music becomes chaotic, if it begins at all.”
one thing that is important to know is that there are no bad parts! your parts simply want to help you, protect you, and keep you safe. they are an important part of team self!
your self your parts your way
you decide how you like to think of your SELF – true self, inner self, real self, wise self, higher self… centre of self… soul self… one that i have loved using recently is “favourite self” – for me, that’s expansive and it offers grace.
i will note that i don’t love “your best self.” best is a judgement, a pressure… no one needs that. be careful of best or any word that feels like judgement or pressure to you. i also think it gives the implication that you need to be your best self everyday… your most maximum awesomest self as much as possible. then, on days you aren’t at your “best” (whatever you decided that was) you feel like you have failed your self.
the self is not about being your “best”… it’s about being real, being true, being you.
as for your parts, you don’t have to use the word parts if that doesn’t feel right to you. some other ideas are: friends, pals, players, troupe, team, roles, characters, elements, aspects.
if you have watched the inside out movies you may already have a notion of the concept of parts. you might even already use this language to some extent: “there is a part of me that…” “my inner child really wants…” “my inner critic is saying…”
you might also consider that some tools for self-exploration such as archetypes, personality types, enneagram, astrology make more sense when you consider them as one part of you (but not necessarily your whole self.)
self leadership requires us to lead our self (all our parts) and lead with SELF – to let our true self take the lead. this might feel like SELF is the CEO at the head of the table with their team, the driver of the bus with many passengers, the coach and the players, the guide holding the space of the circle, the wise parent in a living room full of beloved (but sometimes tricky) family members.
practice thinking about your parts and notice your own language… what do you say? for example: a part of me that; a me who; a spot in me is; rebel me, helper me; the controlling one, the irritated one; …try some of these out and see what feels like you.
soon i will have a new workbook to share, which explores strengthening self and allowing parts as a way to alleviate struggle and move toward more of what you want… my personal framework for getting unstuck.
but for now, perhaps explore this idea of SELF and parts for you… does it help you to have self-compassion? does it help you to remember that you are not broken? does it help you to remember that it is not your whole self stuck or struggling, just one part?
