the problem with self-help and what to do instead

for me, there’s a problem with self-help.

a lot of what is out there in the self-help space can make us feel like we need to fix or solve or adjust or correct or uplevel or improve or overcome or erradicate the imperfect parts of our selves… like who we are is a problem.

and sometimes our struggles make us feel like there is something wrong with us… we think that we should be better or do better, that we should get over it or move on by now or have solved that already… like who we are is the problem.

sometimes self-help strategies can feel dismissive or invalidating or bypassing: “that’s just your inner critic talking, that’s just a limiting belief, that’s just a story you tell yourself… you should ignore that, you should just keep going!” as though what you are genuinely experiencing shouldn’t be a problem and therefor the problem must be you.

these feelings and experiences can make us question who we thought we were… our sense of self gets rocked when our inner voice or mindset or behaviour doesn’t quite match who we thought we were… we start to wonder: what is wrong with me? and then we feel even more stuck.

but just because something is hard, it does not mean we are doing it wrong and it does not mean that who we are is wrong (or needs fixing)… it just means it’s a hard thing!

so much of self-help is about fixing. but you are not a problem to be fixed… you are not broken. you are simpling a human BEing… a self becoming.

when the world tells you to fix or uplevel or get over or nevermind… instead i think we ought to practice leaning in, allowing, embracing, and honoring your struggling, imperfect self.

a self-coaching or self-leading approach looks like this:

i am not my struggle. i am not a problem. i do not need to be fixed or upleveled or handled. i am so much more than this one thing i am struggling with. what i am experiencing is real and i can lead or coach or guide myself through it.

the number one thing that has made a difference to how i approach my struggle and stuckness is to take a parts approach… to think of myself as both a SELF (inner self, true self, wise self) and parts.

you might already do this by thinking of your inner child or inner critic… you can expand this and consider other parts you might have: an inner rebel, an inner people pleaser, an inner hermit… the options are endless!

when we are struggling or stuck, those parts may be agitated, activated, sabotaging, or suffering in some way… and i believe that it can be helpful and liberating to remember that it is not my whole self who is struggling, it’s just one part.

the concept of parts can also help us to practice self-compassion… we can treat our parts as valued members of team SELF, which they are! there are no bad parts, your parts only want to keep you safe or help you in some way.

we can turn towards our struggling parts… we can accept and allow their experience… we can give them a big hug of thanks… and then we can engage our true SELF to be the one who leads us forward, coaches us through the stuckness, and guides us toward more of what we really want.

to me, being a self-coach or a self-leader means strengthening my sense of self, having absolute compassion for my struggling parts, and building my capacity to guide myself through whatever comes my way.

i remember that i am not broken. in fact, i am my own damn hero.

if the self-help space or any sort of coaching or therapy ever made you feel broken – even inadvertently – i am so sorry that happened. please know that who you are is brilliant and you have everything within you to heal and grow and explore and expand and do more and have more of everything you long for.