become your own self-leader, self-coach, self-guide
you are the expert of you. you have everything you need within you to heal, to get unstuck, to move forward… you are the hero you have been waiting for! i hope to inspire you to coach yourself or guide yourself or lead your self out of struggle and toward whatever it is you want for your self.
i define self-leadership as cultivating a strong sense of self and tapping into the power of the self to create a self-led inner and outer world.
the way that i perform and teach self-leadership requires 3 things:
1. self-knowledge and strengthening the self
this is about creating a meaningful map of the self. first you must know that you have a self. know that you are a self. a whole, unbroken, brilliant, flawed, remarkable, unique, self. this is the you that is just for you – a you that is untainted and unrestrained by the world around you, by what everyone and everything else has needed you to be.
2. self-compassion and leading your self
this is about exploring the struggle. we have a soul self and we also have inner parts, these shifting states of mind – thoughts, feelings, beliefs, behaviours – that respond and react to life. shit happens. (because shit always happens, that is life.) and then what? a part of you feels afraid, a part of you tries to control everything, a part of you gets agitated… that’s life too! we lead our self when we turn towards our thoughts and feelings with self-compassion. this is where you get to act like a leader… like the CEO at the head of the table… to guide, influence, motivate, validate, and honour your self… to explore what those parts of you need in order to alleviate suffering and get unstuck.
3. self-direction and leading with self
this is about creating a self-forward approach… a life where self takes the lead. when we know our selves and know our parts we can then choose behaviours and beliefs that are congruent with and rooted in who we are and who we want to be… we create a self-led inner world and outer world, we use the power of our self to move forward with meaning, we direct our own lives based on our understanding of our self, our strengths, and our struggles. self drives the bus.
this three part framework of self-leadership is what i have been using to help myself over the past few years. but this is not some kind of overnight success story: “i was sad and depressed and lost and yay now i am found and ignited and kicking ass.” most days i am not kicking ass, i assure you. but things are finally shifting and changing.
why learn to self-lead? why does it help with struggle and stuckness?
there is a phrase i learned from ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy): the problem is not the problem. the struggle is the problem. i also add: you are not the problem. you are so much more than your struggles! hard things happen. it is not hard because you are doing it wrong or there is something wrong with you. it’s hard because life is hard sometimes.
self-leadership reminds us that we are so so much more than whatever struggle or stuckness we are in. i have learned that i am not the crashing waves that knock me down sometimes, i am the whole fucking ocean. i am not this awful dark cloud that blocks out the light, i am the whole damn sky.
self-leadership helps me to tap into the power of my amazing, flawed, brilliant self – to actively empower myself – in order to lead my inner world (my beliefs and feelings and thoughts) and my outer world (my behaviours and actions.)
let me share a small example of how i used self-leadership just this week. note: this isn’t really about a big dilemma or even a mental health struggle, but rather an interpersonal conflict that occurred one day. but it is an example of how a self-leadership approach can help in all sorts of tricky situations.
so, after a conversation with another person i noticed that i was soooooo annoyed and irritated. i was ruminating, spinning, vacillating between beating myself up and raging about the other person and wanting to give the whole thing up entirely. my inner word machine just wouldn’t quit.
i went back to my self-leadership tools. i had to remember the problem (the issue raised by this person) was not in fact the problem. the struggle is the problem. (i.e. my inner struggle. all that ruminating.) i also had to remember that i am not the problem, i.e. i am not a problem. there is not something wrong with me. i am a creative, clever, wise self who is, yes, struggling at this moment, but also so much more than this one issue! i explored what parts of me were agitated and what those parts of me needed in order to stop struggling. and then i chose a next right step rooted in the kind of person i want to be, the self that i already am.
did the situation magically resolve? no. the problem is still there, it still exists in the world. but i feel like i’ve got this now in that i am not going to keep ruminating and i am choosing what is right for me to do next. being my own hero isn’t about winning the battle, it’s about putting down the sword and walking away from the battle… it’s not about fixing the problem, it’s about knowing what part of me is agitated by the problem… it’s about accepting the problem is there but i don’t have to stay hooked to it… i can walk towards more of what is true to me.
so that is just one example from an ordinary day. hard things happen, resistance and overwhelm and rumination and worry and fear happen… but self-leadership offers a pathway to allow for all of that stuff as well as a way through to the other side.
so, who is self-leadership for? who would benefit?
whatever struggle you are in, maybe you have been thinking: there has got to be a better way! or something has got to give. or i wish i had a magic wand. maybe you feel at the end of your rope, or you are frankly sick of the rope… what if you could learn how to put the rope down all together?
i believe the pre-requisite for self-leadership is a desire to help your self. if you are stuck or struggling in any way; if you have lost your direction, purpose, self, or mojo; if you aren’t sure what your next steps should be… i think self-leadership as a process and pathway could help.
but first, you need to decide that you want to be your own hero.
let me read you an excerpt from my new book, enough.
what if the hero you have been waiting for is you? what if you are the hero of your own story?
if you could know that for sure, what would you do then?
think like a hero… what would a hero do? perhaps something like this:
i have my own back
i will not give up on me
i fight for what matters to me
i slay my dragons
i liberate myself
i empower myself
i am the magic wand
can you think of any other things a hero would do for you that you might be able to do for yourself?
because it is time to be your own damn hero. yep, just like we said from the start: it’s an inside job. just as you need to claim your self and heal your self you also need to lead your self.
(again, that was a little excerpt from my book enough which you can read for free here)
my mission is to get unstuck… liberation through self-leadership…liberation as in freedom from and freedom to.
i believe you can absolutely…
lead yourself out of/create freedom from: struggle, stuckness, resistance, pain
and lead yourself toward/create freedom to: be you, choose your purpose, do more of what you say you want to do, live a life that you love.
i hope you believe that too.
i hope i have inspired you to “be self and do self” because self is the pre-requisite.
if you want to claim your worth, claim your self.
if you want to find your purpose, find your self.
if you want to connect with others, connect with your self.
if you want to figure out your next steps, figure out your self.
if you want to learn to let go, be brave, get unstuck, heal… learn your self.
in other words… you lead your self, and you lead with self, but it also always leads back to self.
