self is the prerequisite to self leadership.

this first step is to learn you. i wrote a book called shine to help you learn you, find it here.

but anything you do to know your SELF, to honour or explore or embrace who you are – is going to help you feel empowered in your life, in fact it IS the power in your life… self is the prerequisite.

know that you have a self, you ARE a self. a whole, unbroken, flawed, brilliant self. your inner self, true self, real self, soul self… favourite self. call it whatever you like!

this is the YOU that is just for you.

a great way to know your self is know what i call your 3-2-1 : your 3 strengths , your 2 values, and your 1 desire.

strengths are the things you are good at - your gifts, talents, abilities - they are what comes naturally to you.

but do be careful! sometimes we can focus on our strengths as being something we do, offer, or provide (especially in relation to our work or to the roles we play). we do it because we are good at it and other people think we are good at it.

consider this instead: Marcus Buckingham says a strength is something that makes you feel strengthened.

so: a strength not just what you are good at – or what others think is good about you - but instead a strength is what is good for you to be doing because it strengthens you.

in other words, a strength is not what you do for others but rather what it does for you to be doing it.

think about it like a superhero story… the superheros each utilise their specific gifts, whatever they are, and doing so is what makes them strong, it’s what makes them super. so if strengths are superpowers, using one’s strengths makes you feel strong like a superhero.

know your 3 top strengths!

try exploring:

what activities make you feel like a superhero: invincible, unstoppable, bulletproof… strong, steady, secure, stable, substantial
consider your so-called weaknesses – a strength is often found on the other side of that coin, a strength that we sometimes forget we have! also: remember that a weakness is not something that is wrong with you, it’s just something that doesn’t strengthen you to use, perhaps it even drains you to use.
ask people what they consider to be your top 3 strengths – not to go with what others think is good about you, but rather because sometimes we don’t see our gifts clearly.

try doing:

a strengths test such as the VIA character strengths test or Richard step strengths test
or simply look at the VIA strengths descriptions and circle the ones that strengthen YOU to do them
and remember, whatever the tests or other people tell you, check in with your self. does doing this thing strengthen you?

try noticing:

how often do i use my strengths?
how can i add more of my strengths to my day to day life? (to my work, hobbies, home, relationships)
when i get to use my strengths do i feel more like me?
when i am feeling stuck, lost, languishing, or ‘ugh’ in some way, does using my strengths make a difference?
what do my strengths look like in action? i.e. what are the activities, behaviours, actions, habits that allow me to use these strengths?

values are how you want to live – your fundamental ideals or guiding principles – it’s what’s most important to you.

before we explore further, let’s distinguish between strengths and values…

if you’ve found your core strengths, of course those things will also be top values, you value them because you recognise how good they are for you1! this is an opportunity to pick 2 more qualities that are important to you, along with the 3 strengths you’ve already honed in on.
strengths are often present through your lifetime and personal to you. but with values, we can sometimes take on the values of those close to us (eg parents or partners), plus as we go through the events of our life our values can change.
a value may not necessarily be something you are good at! values can be aspirational, they can be something you are trying to practice more in your life.
a strength is something you do or use. a value is how you live.

so what exactly is a value then? i find it can help to think of values as having monetary value, like currency… and certain values are worth more to you than others.

imagine attending any social event, for instance: a dinner, a conference, a meeting, a weekend away with friends. the presence of the things you specifically value adds value to that experience! it’s like those activities or qualities add pennies to your own personal soul bank. if those things you value aren’t really present, no big deal, it’s still a nice event, it just doesn’t really add any value to your soul bank. if you are in a situation where everything goes to shit but what you value is still present, you walk away glad to have that at least… like a minimum deposit. if you are in a situation where you compromise your values, you walk away with a depleted soul bank… you gave away your pennies.

if strengths strengthen you, values empower you… they fill up your soul bank and light you up from the inside. imagine you are a carebear (remember carebears?) - what you value is the symbol on your little bear chest. and when you practice that value or are in the presence of that value, you power up!

a value is not just something that guides how you live (your behaviours and beliefs) but something that powers how you live.

(like adding coinds to your soul bank or like powering up your carebear.)

try exploring:

highlight your top values from the list below. add to this list if you like. use a thesaurus if these aren’t quite the right words for what you value
ask: which of these are reflected in my daily life; which are the ones i most aspire to; which are my own values and which are ones i inherited; if i were building a perfect utopia (community, workplace, classroom whatever) which values would be the corner stones? which are the deal breakers i don’t want to live with out?
see where you can group or ladder multiple values – many have similar names, themes - sort your values into groupings that together comprise or support a primary or core value

narrow down to 2 core values.

try noticing:

when your values are present, absent, compromised. how does it feel?
what are your values in action? what are the activities, behaviours, actions, habits that allow you to practice what you value?

desires are what you want for yourself – your goals, dreams, intentions, wishes, longings.

(because language matters, choose the word for this that suits you or your particular situation best. i.e. you don’t have to call it a desire!)

do be careful: we often think of desires as what we want to do or have or achieve, and this is certainly helpful in many areas of life. but as we consider how we strengthen our sense of self it’s not just about what we do but rather who we are.

consider this: james clear suggests rather than focusing on goals we instead ask: what type of person do i want to be? “every action we take is a vote for the type of person you wish to be, for that particular version of your story.”

ask: what kind of person do i want to be? and why?

your desire is what helps you to cultivate your sense self. like a gardner, you nurture and grow your sense of self by nurturing your desires.

i think this question is helpful in that it also incorporates our strengths and values; the kind of person you wish to be is also going to be a person who uses their strengths and lives by their values.

we might not always know where we are going but we can still get clear on who we are here to be.

try exploring:

ask yourself: who do i want to be? how do i want to feel? what do i want for my SELF?

you might explore the biggest dream you have for yourself, your most secret desire, your most immediate desire, your long term dream.

contrast. if it’s hard to decide ‘who i want to be’ try ‘what i definitely don’t want is’ – describe that first, then consider what you do want instead.

do: sum up your one desire in a statement… the kind of person i wish to be is _____.

strengthen your self