how to 'let them'

yah but, what if OTHER PEOPLE are causing our struggle?

you want to show up for your self, you want to be true to your self, you want to heal your self or prioritise your self or do more of what matters to YOU… but maybe you are worried what other people will think or say or feel about you, maybe you don’t want to let anyone down or disappoint anyone or cause any kind of upset, maybe you feel pressure from someone else to do or be or prioritise a thing that no longer aligns with you.

this episode is for you if you’ve heard that you are supposed to “LET THEM” but that idea is way harder than you thought.

click here for the worksheet

transcript: how to let them

hey y’all. i am karen brandy. i am an author, teacher, healer and self coach… i help people with the self expansion and identity shift required to show up for our selves and for what we want for our selves in this next chapter of our life or our business.

but what if it’s OTHER PEOPLE who are causing our struggle?

this episode is for you if you’ve heard that you are supposed to “LET THEM” but that idea is way harder than you thought.

before we get started i wish to emphasise something: i am going to share my perspective – a self first approach to dealing with other people’s ‘stuff’ – that is based on my own made up identity strategy for getting unstuck. i am not an expert or therapist – i am a learner, i am a curious explorer, and i believe in empowering my self to guide my self through whatever hard shit i am in the middle of. i think WE are our own experts and we should build in in ourselves our own power. my aim in sharing my perspective is to inspire you with ideas you can use if you wish to help your self get unstuck, as needed! of course, when it comes to complex relationships with people in our lives, therapy can be helpful, even necessary. i do not wish to minimise the complexity of the real struggles we can find ourselves in by repeating a catchy phrase like “let them” – what i do wish to do is suggest that first we start with self, let that be our first step. from there, please do seek any additional help that is needed.

let’s also briefly touch on the book the let them theory by mel robbins – perhaps you have read it, perhaps you are familiar with her concept. i believe it is helpful to develop a mindset of “let them” – because i believe that we should stop abandoning our own selves in favour of other people’s stuff. i don’t like the fact that robbins never credited the original author of ‘let them’ – cassie Phillips. and i think it’s pretty yucky that she has ignored, blocked, deleted any criticism of her work… and maybe that is one of the problems with “let them” – where does the line fall of not caring what others think or say or do vs being accountable to others: our communities, our families, our circles?

also, i believe the let them concept as shared by mel robbins is missing the most important piece of the puzzle… YOU.

in my experience, you cannot let them unless you are strong/steady/secure in your self. in order to let them, first we must start with self. so that is the aim of today’s episode… let’s dive in!

let them

the idea is pretty simple: when things get tricky with other people… let them.

if someone says something unkind about you, if a person believes something you don’t, if they have opinions about how you should do things, if they are doing something you wish they wouldn’t, if they have feelings about who you are or what you do… let them.

it reminds me that it’s not my job to change or control or manage or fix or convince other people... the only person i have any hope of managing is me.

but of course, practicing ‘let them’ is not as easy as it sounds! you might say – let them – but instead you keep dwelling, keep raging, keep hurting, keep doubting your self, keep feeling agitated or triggered or annoyed or resentful… you keep spinning in the story that you have with that person.

what i always try to remember is this: to let them, i gotta do me first.

if you notice that you are so worried about what others think of you to the point you think it’s easier to abandon your own needs or wants to ensure they like you or that you don’t disappoint them – that is a sign to:

strengthen your sense of self

how do you do that?

know your self. know who you are being… who you want to be. know your strengths (using your strengths is a great way to strengthen your self when you are feeling wobbly.) know your values. (your values empower you from the inside… i think of values like the little emblem on a care bear chest!) know what matters to you and why. know your priorities.

(i have loads of resources to help you strengthen your self: a free ebook called enough to help you claim your worth, a workbook called shine to help you find your self, and the untethered workbook is all about how we strengthen our self to alleviate struggle. or try: my 3 strengths & 2 values)

also get to know the voice of the self. you might like to think of this as your true self, soul self, or i like to say my favourite self. this is your innermost sense of who you are. you can tell you are in the seat of self when you are guided by: compassion, care, calm, clarity, courage, confidence, creativity, connection, and curiosity. these are sometimes called the C’s of self.

when we are in resentment, judgement, criticism… trying to control or manage or change other people… hashing out they said, they think, they did… that’s NOT coming from SELF. that’s coming from other human parts of us that are agitated, activated… and these parts of us are working off of old stories, old patterns about who we get to be and how things ought to go.

so we can engage our sense of self using those C qualities, and we can turn towards the struggling inner parts of us going: i know but they said, they think…

we can have compassion for those inner parts of us that are hurting or worried or scared… recognising they want to help by exerting control, protecting you, fighting and raging, blaming, shaming, being the victim, making excuses, fixing things, people pleasing… maybe changing who you are or how you show up… maybe abandoning your self to meet someone else’s need.

every part of us only wants to help, but sometimes these activated parts of us aren’t helping. so we can actually ‘let them’ feel wobbly, allow them to be on this bus, and teach them about who we are being NOW, we can tell them the new story we are writing about what matters to us most. we can double down on our values, our wants and needs, our priorities. we want self to drive this bus called life instead of letting struggle drive.

from this sense of self, choose behaviours and beliefs that align with WHO YOU ARE BEING (rather than those worries or fears about what others are doing or thinking.) we must know self, be self, and do self. to let them, i gotta DO me. my job is me. focus on the actions or next steps YOU can take (instead of focusing on theirs.)

know your circus and your monkeys

you’ve probably heard the phrase “not my circus, not my monkeys” as a way of reminding yourself: that’s not my job, not my business.

but then what IS your job? what is your circus? what are your monkeys? this can be a helpful reminder of your self, a way to strengthen your sense of self, when dealing with tricky situations with other people.

think of your circus like an actual tent that contains your business – an umbrella of what you do need to stand in and stand for.

this is also known as self-sovereignty. you are the sovereign – the supreme ruler, the ultimate authority over your self: your body, mind, spirit… your life, your peace, your focus. you need to be clear on your realm – what belongs to you, what falls under your domain.

what belongs in your tent?

your strengths and values, your sense of purpose and why, your priorities and desires, the person you wish to be. the relationships and people that matter to you. these are your monkeys.

we all have our own circus. once you know what yours is perhaps you will have more grace for what matters to other people too. you can let them focus on what they need to - recognise that other peoples stuff has very little to do with you, and that you have your own stuff to handle. perhaps you can also give this grace to your inner parts as well. when you notice that a part of you is struggling: teach them about your circus – they might be responding to monkeys that are not your responsibility!

once you are clear on your circus and your monkeys you can decide how you respond to situations that fall under your jurisdiction, your realm of influence.

allow people to be who they are

if someone said something mean about you

if a person believes something you don’t

if they want to do things a certain way

if they think you are weird or wrong or silly or not enough

… let them. as in: allow them to be who they are.

let’s practice acceptance & allowance for others just as we practice with our parts… because people are going to be who they are.

joe is going to joe. mary is going to mary. karen is going to karen.

try saying that out loud with your own name. now say it for whomever you have been struggling with.

this is about allowing that people just are. we are imperfect, flawed, messy human souls. none of us has it figured out.

now this is not saying that you have to allow someone else’s bad behaviour into your “tent”. it’s just saying that you allow that they are who they are. stop expecting people to be different to who they are.

as i talk with people who are struggling with others, i hear them say: i want support from that person, i want connection, i want collaboration and partnership, i want interest and attention… but they want these things to exist in a certain way, to be delivered or offered in a specific way. and when they don’t get the exact thing they want in the exact way they want it, they are hurt, resentful, frustrated. so much of our struggle comes from expecting people to be different to who they are… expecting them to meet you where you are at, rather than where they are at.

imagine it like a tug of war rope: you want (tug) – they respond (tug) – you try harder (tug) – they double down (tug). what if you drop the rope of expectation, you drop the rope of the image of what things are supposed to be like, and allow them to be as they are. allow people to be who they are. and then decide if you choose to meet them there or not.

this is not saying that you have to adapt your self in order to allow others to be. you do not have to adjust your self, abandon your self, or alter your self because someone else is being themselves… your job is to remain true to you.

it’s also not saying that people can’t change but rather remembering that it’s not your job to change them, fix them, improve them… or convince them to do so.

this is about being unsurprised when someone is true to who they are.

it’s also about separation… distancing who you are from someone else’s behaviour, expectations, pressure, desire, hurt, or past. you get to let that person be just as you get to be who you are. this can be especially true when we have an idea of who our parent or child or sibling or partner or friend or boss or mentor is supposed to be. when we can allow that karen has got to karen we separate the person from who we think they ought to be (what a mom or a boss or a sibling ought to be) and remember they are just a soul having a flawed, imperfect human experience.

and it’s about acceptance.

just as you do the work to accept and allow your own inner parts (your inner rebel is going to rebel – worried you is going to do what worried you does: retreat, question, overthink)… you can also turn that light of acceptance on to others. karen is going to karen.

bingo

one way to be unsurprised is to play your own game of BINGO when you know you are in tricky situations with others. make predictions and guesses about how things will go, then shout a little inside BINGO when you are right. this can help you turn your internal eye roll (or frustration) into an inner pat on the back, an inner smile… it can change the energy of your interactions with others. and it can help you detatch from other people’s stuff… to put down the rope… because who they are is not about you, and who they are is not your job. karen is going to karen. karen’s job is karen.

try saying: ok.

catch yourself when you’re thinking:

but, they want

they said

they did

they believe

they think

…your answer is: ok.

even try shrugging when you say these phrases. ok. let them. shrugging is an energetic letting go, just as those phrases are.

responding in this way: “let them.” or “ok.” reminds us that it is not our job to control, change, fix, or convince others. it’s not your job to get others to meet your expectations or to follow your lead.

stop being mad at people for NOT being who you want them to be! when you continue to be irritated by someone who refuses to change, you also refuse to change.

your job is you. your job is to lead your self. to choose what you say, want, do, believe. and if you didn’t get what you needed from another person… to give yourself what you didn’t get… give those hurt parts of your self what they didn’t get. refuse to be another person who abandoned you or disappointed you!

let them is a way to direct our focus away from solving unsolvable problems – because we cannot change other people – and instead focus inward… what change (if any) can we make?

“be so rooted in yourself that nobody’s presence or absence can disturb your peace” ~ brianne davis

i don’t have blue hair

it’s also none of your business what other people think about you. let them. your work is to focus on what YOU think of you. the blue hair approach is a helpful way to let them… when someone has a judgement about you. perhaps something like…

you’re too…

you’re not ___ enough…

you should….

whatever it is they are judging you for, replace it with “blue hair.” your hair is too blue, you should cut your blue hair, it’s ugly. you’re not appealing enough with blue hair.

right away your response is: i don’t have blue hair. the insult or judgement or criticism doesn’t upset you because you don’t have blue hair!

this is a way to double down on your self… to double down on your truth, your values, your worth. what they say has no weight because you don’t have blue hair. and if what that person says still hurts you it might reflect a belief you have about yourself and something you can now do the work to strengthen… a story you can now do the work to heal and change.

try adding: for you or to you

you can also simply add on the words “for you” or “to you” to any judgement or evaluation… to any statement a person makes that doesn’t align with or serve who you are.

“blue hair” is an awful choice! …for you.

“blue hair” is so weird …to you.

those words – to you, for you – create sovereignty between other people’s truths and what you want to experience for your self.

expectations made of you without your consent or participation are not your responsibility! remember who you are and what your truth is… and then protect your peace.

be the villain

everyone carries a story about who we are, but not everyone’s story about you is any of your business! if the story they have about you becomes more important than the story that YOU tell about you – if someone else’s experience of you becomes more important to you than YOUR experience of you – let them can’t work. if your sense of self is coming from other people’s version of you this is a sign to strengthen your sense of self!

it’s ok to be the villain in other people’s stories. remember: these are not my monkeys, this is not my circus! be willing to be rejected by – disliked, disconnected from – people who are not in your tent anyhow! let them works because i know their story is not MY experience of me.

remember also that the story you carry about others is just that, a story, one possible story. we have interactions with people, we pick up the energy of other people, we see things or hear things or feel things… and then we build a story about it. that’s what our brain does – it’s a word machine! and it’s often the story that makes us struggle – they don’t like me, they think i am stupid, they don’t want me around, they aren’t as invested as me. being self-led helps us to explore those stories. is that true? can you know that for sure? is it possible something else is true?

grace

allow that people are doing the best they can, with what they have or where they are at right now. acknowledge that other people have parts too that get triggered and activated… none of us act from our favourite self all the time, we are all human! they are also telling old stories and working off of old strategies, old patterns. i heard someone say that people have the emotional maturity of an 8 y.o when they are activated or triggered! plus, they might not have the capability to lead with self, act from self as you are learning to do. when you find yourself in a tricky situation with someone else’s stories and opinions – visualise them as an 8 year old imperfect version of themselves, and find grace.

note: grace doesn’t mean you have to accept the way someone is treating you. it’s a way to let them be who they are (let go of that inner tug of war fight to do battle with them) while maintaining your boundaries.

the energetic hug

when you find yourself struggling with what someone else is doing, saying, thinking, believing, wanting… try, in your mind’s eye, to turn towards that person - energetically lean in - and imagine that you are wrapping your energetic arms around them. give them a hug.

just as we do this for our inner parts who are struggling we can do this for our energetic connection to others. lots of people talk about cutting cords and detaching from others. but what if we could instead just give that flawed, struggling soul an energetic hug.

and then let them.

boundaries

acceptance and allowance for others to be who they are does not mean you have to let them treat you badly!

as you strengthen your sense of self – as you know your values and know your circus and your monkey and know what is ok and not ok for you – you can begin to strengthen your boundaries.

boundaries = i will.

instruction manuals = you will.

a great way to think about boundaries is not something you build against them but rather something that you build for you. it’s not: i hate you, it’s: i love me. i am not allowing this into my tent because i love me. this creates an invitation to that other person to join your team, team: your wellbeing and happiness.

(for more on boundaries: how to say yes to yourself)

let them know.

when we are in a tricky situation with another person it can be very tempting to call them out. to take a stand! to unleash! there is a part of us that feels very satisfied when we do – “i told them” – and often a part that believes it’s our job to point out when others are wrong, or at fault, or not doing whatever it is we want them to do. but we must remember – it really isn’t the job of the self to change or manage or control anyone else. and often what is left in your circus tent is just more chaos, more struggle.

before calling someone out, ask yourself: do they have the capacity to receive it? to self reflect? to take accountability? and does what you have to say come from the seat of self – from that place of clarity, compassion, curiosity, etc. – or is this coming from an activated/agitated part of you trying to control, protect, react? start with self – get good in your self – and then you can meet others where they are at. you might even decide it is more helpful to make peace with your silence.

alternatively, especially with people you wish to have genuine connection, an act of self-honouring can be to let them know: tell them what you need. state your boundary. show up for your self by speaking up for yourself.

and when you do, you do it for you – to be true to who you are, to what you value, to what you want for you. say it for you, because it is your job to be true to you - not with the intention of changing anyone else.

people pleasing

let’s talk a little about people pleasing, because i know this is a struggle for many of us.

people pleasing isn’t really about pleasing others, it’s about controlling/managing/changing others perception of you… that story they have about you. it’s driven by a desire for approval, acceptance, and belonging… and driven by a fear of rejection, disapproval, or conflict.

strengthening our sense of self means that we can choose our self first… we can give our self our approval and acceptance, we belong to our selves first and foremost. and i love to think of self as a container… as we strengthen our sense of self we build resilience for the discomfort that comes from knowing others are not approving, we can handle the discomfort of conflict, and we can hold ourselves through the discomfort of rejection.

people pleasing often gets perceived or labelled by others as being accommodating, helpful, kind… always stepping up for others! how nice! but this is often at the expense of our own needs, values, and boundaries. fuck that. let’s be difficult. let’s not be pleasing – easy, accommodating, small, silent – for the sake of others comfort.

people pleasing is a nervous system strategy: if they are happy, i’ll be safe, i’ll be ok. i have also heard it described as a way to manage other people’s nervous system: if i can make sure they are happy (calm, regulated, fine) i’ll be safe, i’ll be ok. an act of strengthening the self is to build safety within the body – to build the capacity of our own nervous system to handle other people’s dysregulation without losing our own. and it’s not actually our job to regulate any one else’s nervous system (even though so many of us have learned to do that throughout our lives.)

kindness & empathy

for many of us, we have linked people pleasing to being kind so it is important to know that these are two different things, and to remember that we can honour our own needs and also be kind.

people pleasing is a way to manage fear (fear of conflict, rejection, disappointing others) and can leave us feeling anxious, resentful, invisible, taken advantage of. people pleasing is an act of self abandonment.

kindness on the other hand is a choice to connect, based on our genuine desire and capacity to do so. kindness feels grounded and expansive… it is an act of self-authenticity.

instead of people pleasing, cultivate the goal of self-honouring with kindness. this means holding space for your needs, with boundaries in place that allow you to have compassion for others.

empathy is a beautiful thing. honouring your self does not mean ditching empathy for others! your empathy helps you understand how others feel and why they act the way they do. but understanding does not mean this is your problem to solve or manage or fix. you say: i get it, but i’m not available for it… it’s not a compromise i can make, it’s not a problem that is my job to solve. this is support without sacrificing, care without carrying. we must have empathy + boundaries (what you will or won’t do, what is or isn’t ok to you). empathy without boundaries leads to more self-abandonment.

after years of exploring these ideas – this type of self guidance and self leadership – i have found that the more i practice allowance and acceptance of my own sweet, struggling, inner parts – the better i get at practicing ‘let them’ with others. i also know that when i am spiralling in a tricky situation with other people, i try to remember that it’s not my favourite self who is agitated, it is just one part of me. when i am agitated – or really hooked into something someone else is saying or doing (or not doing!) and can’t just let them – this generally points to something in me to explore with compassion… a hurt that perhaps needs healing. i notice when i am leading with “but they should” it often points to something i want from them – something my self needs or that my parts need – that i can give to my self. they should becomes i will. and i’ve noticed when i am hurt and spiralling by what someone else has said or done – it often points to an old story that i carry: like that person has just affirmed some old bullshit i’ve been believing. so it’s time to write a new story about who i get to be and how i get to show up in this world. at the end of the day the relationship you have with your self is the most important one… if you really want to be able to let them, start with self.

i have created a worksheet to help you let them, by doing ME first.

you can grab that from the show notes at karenbrandy.com/explore. and for more, you might like to check out my new workbook: untethered. it’s all about strengthening your sense of self and exploring your inner parts, so that you can get unstuck and do more of what you want for your self. the workbook is perfect for those who are self directed and like to learn and explore on their own.

if you prefer further 1:1 support to navigate some of these struggles, a life-coaching (or self coaching, as i call it) session can make a big difference! i would love to support you to strengthen your sense of self and get unstuck!

find both the untethered workbook and ways to work with me at karenbrandy.com

i would also love to hear from you… what is your favourite trick for dropping that tug of war rope of struggle with other people?

in closing

i wish to acknowledge the Kaurna people, the traditional owners of the land on which i live, write, create, and teach… i also acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which you join me from.

i also wish to acknowledge that while i love to share from a variety of perspectives and therapies (including positive psychology, ACT, IFS, neuroscience, mindful self-compassion) i am not a therapist, nor an expert… i simply wish to share information and ideas that may offer insight and inspiration that YOU can use to lead your self out of stuckness and into the life you want for your self.

i also acknowledge my own privilege. whilst i am learning to lead myself through struggle i also have time, money, and support to do this work and that affords me the capacity that others may not have. some struggles will not be alleviated by self-help alone. my aim is to simply offer some new perspectives that might help shift things for you internally, no matter what further steps you decide to take.

thank you for joining me in this exploration of the tricky stuff we navigate with other people.

until next time, keep shining.

karen brandy13 March 2026Comment