how to 'let them'
let them
you may have seen this phrase – this mantra – showing up online recently. Mel Robbins has a new book called the let them theory (and a number of great podcasts on the topic if that suits you more). Cassie Phillips, who wrote a viral poem (and tattoo) about ‘let them.’ also has a new book called let them
the idea is pretty simple: when things get tricky with other people… let them.
if someone says something unkind about you, if a person believes something you don’t, if they have opinions about how you should do things, if they are doing something you wish they wouldn’t, if they have feelings about who you are or what you do… let them.
since i heard mel robbins talk about this, and read cassie phillips poems, i have been loving this mantra… let them.
it reminds me that it’s not my job to change or control or manage or fix or convince other people... the only person i have any hope of managing is me.
but here is the thing i have learnt over the past year or so of practicing ‘let them’…
in order to let THEM, i have got to be strong in ME.
if you aren’t strong within your self, solid with your self – if you don’t know your self or trust your self or honour your self or engage your self – it’s really, really hard to simply just let them. and move on.
instead you keep spinning, keep dwelling, keep raging, keep hurting, keep feeling agitated or triggered or annoyed.
note: i haven’t read either of Mel Robbins or Cassie Phillips books – they are both on my TBR pile. so they might already address what i am about to share, but for what it’s worth… here are my thoughts about how we can actually, successfully let them.
1. in order to let them, you first must strengthen you.
this is about being really solid within your self – knowing your self, engaging your true/wise self, being true to your self. i wrote a book all about self-knowledge called shine and my new program called untethered is all about strengthening our selves so we can struggle less.
a great place to start is to know your 3 strengths 2 values and 1 desire …know what you want, know what matters to you, know what helps you be you.
when we are sometimes dealing with tricky people or tricky situations we might say: not my circus, not my monkeys. that’s a way of saying let them! but in order to do that you need to know: what IS my circus, what ARE my monkeys? when you begin to strengthen that, you are more easily able to set clear boundaries, stand for what matters to you, and focus on your thing (instead of what everyone else is doing/thinking/believing/saying.)
2. in order to let them, you need to practice allowing and accepting… practice willingness and compassion.
and to be fair, these things are so tricky to do. in the past, i found these concepts to be lip service more than actively helpful. like, i liked the idea of acceptance but i’m not sure i ever really successfully practiced it. until i began to practice it on my self and for my self.
a huge part of the work i have been doing to get unstuck has been around acceptance (thanks to learning about ACT acceptance and commitment therapy)… i’ve been working on accepting and allowing those imperfect, judging, controlling, afraid, protective, stubborn parts of me. and what i have found is that the more i practice accepting and allowing those parts the more i can do it with others.
there’s a concept in ACT that i loved, called drop the rope, where you imagine your struggle like a tug-of-war. acceptance is a way to drop the rope instead of continuing an unwinnable battle – you cannot change or control or fix other people, instead you can allow them to be who they are… you can let them.
3. in order to let them, i gotta do me.
my job is me. our work is to work on our selves. what actions, behaviours, and beliefs do we need to cultivate or practice… ones that match who we wish to be or how we wish to feel.
maybe there is a story you have been telling yourself that you need to rewrite, maybe they have shown you something you could heal with in you, maybe this is a clue of something you can give to your self or do for your self, maybe it’s a sign that a stronger boundary needs to be set. (and remember, boundaries are what YOU do… not what you expect others to do.)
again, this requires that you know you… that you have tools for self-knowledge and self-reflection to turn inwards and focus on what you can do for you. this is what i call self leadership.
so, in order to let them…
first you must strengthen you, then you must practice acceptance and allowance, and finally you must focus on what next step YOU can take. these 3 steps are exactly what i teach in my new program, untethered; strengthening the self, allowing and alleviating the struggle, and taking steps forward.
it’s how we get unstuck. not just from the muck and mud of life, but also from those tricky situations with other people.
it’s how we truly do let them, and move on with peace.
