how to get unstuck
but what if you just feel stuck.
this episode is for you if you just can’t seem to get out of your own way, you can’t seem to push through the resistance, you can’t seem to overcome the obstacles in your path.
i try, but end up stuck in perfectionism, procrastination, going in circles
i have all this self-doubt, self-criticism getting in the way
i don’t feel worthy, confident, brave, good, ready enough
i’ve been too worried, uncertain, scared, stressed, overwhelmed, sad, depressed, anxious
if you have been feeling like:
why can’t i do the thing i say i want to do?
why can’t i get out of my own way?
why do i keep struggling with this? why can’t i solve/fix/rid this resistance once and for all!
let’s explore that now! this is the get unstuck episode!
transcript: how to get unstuck
hey y’all. i am karen brandy. i am an author, teacher, healer and self coach… i help people with the self expansion and identity shift required to show up for our selves and for what we want for our selves in this next chapter of our life or our business. next level goals and dreams and strategies require stepping into our next level self!
but what if you just feel stuck.
this episode is for you if you just can’t seem to get out of your own way, you can’t seem to push through the resistance, you can’t seem to overcome the obstacles in your path.
i try, but end up stuck in perfectionism, procrastination, going in circles
i have all this self-doubt, self-criticism getting in the way
i don’t feel worthy, confident, brave, good, ready enough
i’ve been too worried, uncertain, scared, stressed, overwhelmed, sad, depressed, anxious
i do want to note that we have explored some specific obstacles in previous episodes – so if have an inner resistance that sounds like this:
i have no time
i have no mojo, motivation, commitment, consistency, focus
i feel bad, guilty, selfish
i am struggling with other people’s stuff, why can’t i just let them!?
i am not sure what i even want for myself
please do go check out those episodes!
if you have been feeling like:
why can’t i do the thing i say i want to do?
why can’t i get out of my own way?
why do i keep struggling with this? why can’t i solve/fix/rid this resistance once and for all!
maybe you’ve done the mindset work, the habit stuff… maybe energetic work or healing techniques, or self-belief stuff or motivational stuff… and i just can’t seem to get unstuck and stay unstuck…
let’s explore that now! this is the get unstuck episode!
you are not a problem
i have been into self-help and self-development for a long long time… i had self-help books on my shelf next to my nancy drew collection. i’ve loved learning about the self and i love exploring and connecting dots. and also, self help has often left me feeling more stuck. when i was really struggling, the self help strategies i had collected didn’t really help any more, they felt like lip service, like bypassing. i felt worse as i felt like my problems weren't getting fixed… like i was doing it wrong… like i was the problem, like there must be something wrong with me that i hadn’t ‘gotten over it’ by now. here’s what i began to notice…
a lot of what is out there in the self-help space can make us feel like we need to fix or solve or adjust or correct or improve or overcome or erradicate the imperfect parts of our selves… like who we are is a problem.
and sometimes our struggles make us feel like there is something wrong with us… we think that we should be better or do better, that we should get over it or move on by now or have solved that already… like who we are is the problem.
sometimes self-help strategies can feel dismissive or invalidating or bypassing: “that’s just your inner critic talking, that’s just a limiting belief, that’s just a story you tell yourself… you should ignore that, you should just keep going!” as though what you are genuinely experiencing shouldn’t be a problem and therefor the problem must be you.
these feelings and experiences can make us question who we thought we were… our sense of self gets rocked when our inner voice or mindset or behaviour doesn’t quite match who we thought we were… we start to wonder: what is wrong with me? and then we feel even more stuck.
but just because something is hard, it does not mean we are doing it wrong and it does not mean that who we are is wrong (or needs fixing)… it just means it’s a hard thing!
check out the messages i have collected lately: real life people trying to get unstuck, trying self-help tools… and real life messages that are out there.
if you're feeling stuck, just force yourself to do the thing.
silence your inner critic
you need to just push past this
i'll show you how to get rid of those pesky blocks
you can override the fear
just ignore your guilt and do it anyway
here's how to hack your brain
here's how to overcome your imposter syndrome
you should stop using personality as a crutch
eradicate those excuses once and for all
get rid of the parts of you that don’t belong where you are going next
let that old version of you die once and for all
you might notice the language is all around fixing, solving, ridding, overcoming… as though who you are is a problem that needs to be fixed! and that is just not true.
you are not broken. you are not a problem to be fixed. your struggle does not need to be solved or fixed or overcome or eradicated in order to do more of what you say you want to do.
when the world tells you to fix or get over or push through or nevermind… instead i think we ought to practice leaning in, allowing, embracing, and honoring your struggling, imperfect self. the way to do this is to remember…
it’s not your whole self struggling
i have been on a mission to get unstuck for a very long time now. and the number one thing that has made a difference to how i navigate struggle and stuckness is to take a parts approach… to think of myself as both a SELF (inner self, true self) and parts.
for me, this has been really helpful in allowing and embracing all aspects of my self – even the parts that don’t feel like my soul self or true self (for instance, my impatience, my depression, my judgey self, my ragey self).
this notion has also helped me to practice self-compassion, which was something i used to think was nice but intangible. as soon as i embraced my parts the whole idea of self-compassion clicked into place and now i can turn towards my struggling, agitated, sabotaging, sometimes frustrating parts and love them up instead of trying to fix them, eradicate them, or overcome them.
the idea is that we have a SELF and we have parts. the way i define SELF is: the you that is just for you.
so, beyond the roles we play, beyond our traits or characteristics, beyond how we show up in the world or who we have needed to be or how the world sees us… the SELF is your innermost essence.
some ways to activate the self are: compassion, connection, clarity, confidence, courage, creativity, curiosity, calm, care - Richard Schwartz, the author no bad parts, calls these the Cs of Self.
he developed a model of the self and parts called internal family systems (IFS)… you will sometimes also hear it called parts psychology or i like to say that i take a parts approach to self-coaching. rather than “mono-mind” approach (where we have one mind with different thoughts, beliefs, feelings), the parts approach says we have a Self and a number of discrete minds or parts.
i will note that i am not a therapist and i am certainly not an expert of IFS therapy, however when it comes to coaching/leading/guiding myself it has been really helpful to borrow from this idea of parts – to see those aspects within us not as our true self or even in opposition to our true self, but simply one part of us that we can offer compassion and guidance.
in fact life is about activating our truest self and honouring all the parts of us!
Tom Holms, the author of parts work, describes Self as the conductor of an orchestra “all our parts are musicians playing the instruments that make the music of our lives. without musicians there is no music. without the conductor the music becomes chaotic, if it begins at all.”
one thing that is important to know is that there are no bad parts! your parts simply want to help you, protect you, and keep you safe. they are an important part of team self!
your self, your parts, your way. you decide how you like to think of your SELF – true self, inner self, real self, wise self, higher self… centre of self… soul self… favourite self… next level self.
i will note that i don’t personal use: “best self.” best is a judgement, a pressure… no one needs that. be careful of best or any word that feels like judgement or pressure to you. i also think it gives the implication that you need to be your best self everyday… your most maximum awesomest self as much as possible. then, on days you aren’t at your “best” (whatever you decided that was) you feel like you have failed your self.
the self is not about being your “best”… it’s about being real, being true, being you.
as for your parts, you don’t have to use the word parts if that doesn’t feel right to you. some other ideas are: friends, pals, players, troupe, team, roles, characters, elements, aspects.
if you have watched the inside out movies you may already have a notion of the concept of parts. you might even already use this language to some extent: “there is a part of me that…” “my inner child really wants…” “my inner critic is saying…”
you might also consider that some tools for self-exploration such as archetypes, personality types, enneagram, astrology make more sense when you consider them as one part of you (but not necessarily your whole self.)
practice thinking about your parts and notice your own language… what do you say? for example: a part of me that; a me who; a spot in me is; rebel me, helper me; the controlling one, the irritated one; …try some of these out and see what feels like you.
let self drive the bus
i call this self leadership. we let self take the lead… self is the one who gets us through the stuckness.
i like to think of self as the driver of this bus called life – every part of me, every version of me and aspect of me, gets to belong on the bus… but struggle does not get to drive. self gets to drive. alternatively you might like to think of SELF as the CEO at the head of the table with their team, the coach and the players, the guide holding the space of the circle, the wise parent in a living room full of beloved (but sometimes tricky) family members, a mama duck and all of her sweet but chaotic ducklings… imagine this in anyway that makes sense to you!
self leadership is what we already do. we already use our own tools and our own gifts and our own sense of self to help ourselves. self help is a huge industry because we already have that within us, that desire to help ourselves.
but self leadership is a bit like self help on steroids. we are actually putting the SELF into self help. using self leadership, you actually learn how to empower the true self, cultivate the self you wish to be, and strengthen the sense of self so that self can drive this bus called life... instead of letting struggle or stuckness drive the bus of life, which is what we do on autopilot.
we all know this... we feel stuck, we're struggling, things are hard, and when we're in that survival mode to push our way through, struggle drives the bus, struggle decides what we do next... fear, worry, doubt, frustration, feeling depleted, feeling overwhelmed, feeling guilty, not prioritizing ourselves, whatever the reasons are... that's what drives the bus.
so self leadership is about turning on the power of the self to lead us through struggle or stuckness.
self is the prerequisite to getting unstuck.
you are not a project. life is the project. you get to decide how you show up for that. and what self leadership is all about is strengthening the sense of self so that self decides how you show up, not struggle. struggle doesn't get to drive the bus, but struggle does get to be there. it exists. life is full of ups and downs! our inner world is also full of ups and downs.
being stuck, feeling stuck, is a normal thing that happens when we decide to show up for ourselves… there’s a phrase: new level? same old devil. it’s often the same old story that shows up again and again in new ways. for me: it’s always around enoughness and worthiness.
a big reason we struggle is that we think that our exact brand of stuckness shouldn’t exist! that we should be rid of it!
here’s what you need to know: your struggle isn't the problem. your belief that you shouldn't have any is.
there's a phrase i learnt from ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) that i love that says:
the problem is not the problem. the struggle is the problem.
the belief that we shouldn’t have any is the problem. the story we tell when those things show up is the problem. our need to control or protect or eliminate is the problem.
our job isn’t to fix or solve or eradicate or conquer or control our resistance. our job is to alleviate that inner struggle.
there is another concept in ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) that i love called the tug of war metaphor.
imagine you’re in a tug of war with a monster. the monster is your hard thing: a depression monster or anxiety monster or fear monster or a judgement/criticism/shame monster or a frustrated/ruminating monster or a control monster or any other kind of struggle monster. you and your monster each have one end of the rope and you are pulling on the rope just as hard as that monster… the harder you pull the hard it pulls. you’re stuck.
what do you do?
you drop the rope.
the monster is still there but you are no longer tied up in struggle, you are free to take a new approach.
drop the rope. walk away from the war.
and instead we can turn towards that precious little monster – the part of us genuinely struggling – with absolute compassion… give it a big hug and say, you're allowed to be here. we can understand those old stories that have been running the show, and say that’s no longer the story i am writing. from the seat of self, we write new stories about who we get to be and how we get to show up in the world. self becomes the wise guide to our inner team – we engage the leadership qualities we already posses and turn them inwards – take our struggling parts in hand and say: this is who we are being now.
the aim isn’t: never get stuck again. you won’t always GOT THIS! instead it’s knowing: you’ve got YOU, babe. you are the one who will see you through whatever obstacle or resistance in the path.
three steps to getting unstuck
start with self. strengthen your sense of self.
allow the struggle. have compassion for your struggling parts, become a wise guide to your beautiful (if misguided) struggling parts
let self lead. let self determine the next right step (instead of letting struggle decide!) choose behaviours and beliefs and a way of being that aligns with who you want to be – your next level self.
so the whole point of self leadership is for YOU to become your own coach, or your own guide, your own guru, you strengthen the fact that you are the expert of you. and you strengthen your sense of self so that SELF drives this bus called life (instead of letting struggle drive!)
so for whatever stuck thing you've been dealing with, if you’re thinking this is just another self help strategy, and i've tried all these different self-help things, all this mindset or motivation stuff, and nothing really changes it.
i still struggle with this fear, i still hear this inner critic, i still feel stuck in resistance, i still have the same excuses… whatever, pick your struggle… if you are thinking that nothing you’ve tried really changes anything, i want you to know that self-leadership is different, because we approach it from inside out. we strengthen self to get unstuck.
maybe you are like me – you’ve been into self-help and self-development stuff – and also you still feel stuck. you’re still looking for that magic wand – that one hack or trick or tool or strategy that’s really going to change things for you. the aim of self-leadership is to stop looking outward for a magic wand or a fix and instead find our own magic within. we strengthen self so that self can be empowered to navigate life’s ups and downs.
one thing i really love about parts work is that i can add this approach to whatever other strategies or modalities i already love to use or explore. (in other words, you don't have to disregard any other strategies, in fact including parts might make those strategies even more powerful for you!)
here are some ways i've been using a parts approach...
energetic practices such as EFT tapping... to allow and accept my parts (i deeply and completely love and accept this part of me)
healing practices such as reiki healing... i turn my healing energy towards a part of me that's been hurting, agitated, ignored, trying its best.
mantra, affirmation, or prayer practices such as forgiveness, hooponono, loving kindness… speak to your parts.
somatic work and body wisdom... which part is speaking to me through symptoms or sensations?
spiritual practices such as meditation… i tune into my higher self (next level self) and ask them to hold space for my struggling parts to be heard
mindset practices such as belief building, reframing thoughts, building resilience… self is a container that holds space for our struggling parts, but builds a mindset from a next level sense of identity: who we want to be. we aren’t here to fix, we are here to allow what is and commit to what matters.
tarot & oracle cards... to tune into a part's voice, perspective, or story… often these stories are subconscious so cards can be a wonderful way to bring forward what’s hidden (i have a free class on this: learn how to use tarot & oracle cards to connect with your parts and get unstuck!)
of course there will be times you need outside support – you might work with a coach or therapist or counsellor or support group to get you through some tricky times. but some of us won’t access that kind of support for lots of different reasons and even if we do… wouldn’t it be nice to also know that you can support your self through life’s struggles?
what if you could always know that no matter what, you’ve got YOU to see you through?
that's my favourite thing about self-leadership. you get to learn that you are the one you’ve been waiting for! you are the hero of your own story. you can become your own coach, your own leader or guide. of course every hero needs a sidekick – someone to share the journey, someone to cheer you on, someone to explore with – i would love to be your side kick.
you might like to check out my workbook: untethered. it expands on everything i have shared here with practical exercises to practice self leadership, and is perfect for those who are self directed and like to learn and explore on their own.
i have a worksheet for you from untethered – a way to get to know your struggling parts.
find it in the show notes at karenbrandy.com/explore along with links to the workbook and ways to work with me.
i would also love to hear from you: what is your same old devil stuckness that always seems to show up in your path each time you show up for your self in new ways?
in closing
i wish to acknowledge the Kaurna people, the traditional owners of the land on which i live, write, create, and teach… i also acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which you join me from.
i also wish to acknowledge that while i love to share from a variety of perspectives and therapies (including positive psychology, ACT, IFS, neuroscience, mindful self-compassion) i am not a therapist, nor an expert… i simply wish to share information and ideas that may offer insight and inspiration that YOU can use to lead your self out of stuckness and into the life you want for your self.
i also acknowledge my own privilege. whilst i am learning to lead myself through struggle i also have time, money, and support to do this work and that affords me the capacity that others may not have. some struggles will not be alleviated by self-help alone. my aim is to simply offer some new perspectives that might help shift things for you internally, no matter what further steps you decide to take.
thank you for joining me in this exploration of xxxxx
until next time, keep shining.