how to find the time
i want ___ but i have no time!
next level goals and dreams and purpose require stepping into our next level self... we need to become the one who does the things that we say matter to us. but what if we just don’t have the time for the things we say we want?
this episode is for you if “yah but i have no time” is the first thing that bubbles up when you think about who you want to be next, what you want to prioritise next, and what you say matters to you.
transcript: how to find the time
hey y’all. i am karen brandy. i am an author, teacher, healer and self coach… i help people with the self expansion and identity shift required to show up for our selves and for what we want for our selves in this next chapter of our life or our business. next level goals and dreams and purpose requires stepping into our next level self!
but what if we just don’t have the time for the things we say we want?
this episode is for you if “yah but i have no time” is the first thing that bubbles up when you think about next level anything…
let’s talk time!
let’s start with the reality of the situation – and what’s happening in our outer world. of course, we each only have so much time in one day… and the demands on our time are real. let’s honour and acknowledge that.
start by doing a little “outer world” audit of your time. you might want to grab a notebook and look at your calendar or planner and your to do list or goals for the year list. you can also simply reflect on each question in your mind…
where does my time go?
what do i want to have more time for?
what would i have to give up or change in order to do what i say i want?
how much time do i need to do more of what i want? if i did spend time on what i say i want, what would that look like?
as you reflect on these questions you may notice a feeling bubbling up inside… a feeling of not having enough time to do everything you want to or need to.
this is called time poverty, and is more prevalent in those who hold the mental load or do all the juggling, and those who hold multiple roles (many often unpaid). whilst we HAVE as much time as anyone else, we don’t FEEL like we have time. plus our time is often split or distracted (for instance we make time for that yoga class but then spend it spinning mentally in our to do list!) which just adds to that feeling of time poverty.
it can feel like being overwhelmed, feeling rushed or pressured, having multiple obligations competing for our time, and having no control over where our time goes… like one never has enough time and is always running out of time.
the way forward includes aligning how we spend our time with our values… with our identity: what matters most to us and who we are here to be.
that might look like
shifting the mental load or juggle
prioritising your self in your time/schedule and allowing your self to have some of your time
saying no (and being very discerning where you say yes)
creating more boundaries around your time
hopefully as you consider those options, more feelings begin to pop up! it’s time for another audit – this time of our inner world – our inner resistance.
what stories begin to pop up around how you are allowed to spend your time?
are there any ‘so called’ rules or shoulds about your time that are whispering in your ear? but i should, i shouldn’t, i can’t, i have to, i need to
are there feelings of guilt or selfishness, maybe “but i feel bad”
listen to these stories! every struggle has a story to tell and understanding our stories about our time is the way through this time struggle.
it can help to remember that there is a sense of SELF that you want to honour here. an inner self or favourite self or future self (if that feels more right to you) that has needs, desires, passions, dreams, goals. this self is the one who is ignited and ready to do the things you say you want.
but we also have parts of us or versions of us that also have needs – generally a need to stay safe, to protect us, and to maintain the status quo. they are working off of old stories about who you get to be, what you get to do, and how you get to spend your time.
let’s have compassion for those parts of us that are simply trying to help… there are no bad parts! there are however old stories that no longer serve… understand those stories with compassion and curiosity.
let’s try that now. as you think about how you want to spend your time, notice the part of you that
jumps in with resistance, discomfort… a yah but we should… yah but we can’t
finds it difficult to prioritise your needs and wants
feels selfish or guilty, doesn’t like to say no
is inclined to give and give elsewhere until there is nothing left for your self
would rather waste time doing other things instead of what you say you want
resists using your time for your self, has rules about what that time should be spent or how it should look to spend time on you… how you have been allowed to spend your time
you might notice more than one part of you has something to say about your time. talk to these struggling parts of you like you would your best friend… explore these stories with compassion. “ahhhh yes! it makes sense that you feel that way! of course you’re worried about that! gosh it really is hard, isn’t it.”
these parts of us are working off of old stories about who we have had to be, what was once important, what we used to believe or prioritise or value. and our brains are LAZY! they will keep repeating those old stories!
but we can and must write new stories for our selves… this is the work of self expansion, of next level self. to have compassion for those struggling or resisting parts of us and also decide: that’s not how i want to show up for my self any more.
the work is to strengthen your sense of self – that favourite self or future self – who is so so ready to prioritise you, make TIME for YOU.
think again about what it is you want and what that looks like. think about how you want to feel… about what really matters to you… what you prioritise and value NOW. imagine your self as the person who is DOING what you say you want to do, FEELING how you say you want to feel, BEING the kind of person you say you want to be.
for instance this could be: healthy, active, strong, energetic, creative, spiritual, playful, grounded, connected, confident, brave, fulfilled… or any other thing that represents what you value.
what does that kind of person: DO BELIEVE PRIORITISE SAY TRY DESERVE ALLOW CHOOSE?
from this sense of self, look at your present day reality again, and ask: where does my time go?
does your calendar/planner/to do list actually reflect what you say matters to you?
does your time match or serve your favourite self/future self… who you want to be? or is it a reflection of past versions of you?
what has to change?
what new story do you need to write about how you DO and DON’T spend my time?
liz gilbert wrote, in her book big magic: what will you give up in order to have the life you keep pretending you want?
ultimately what you want needs to matter enough to you. YOU need to matter enough to you. you need to decide: when will YOU become your priority. and what happens if you don’t?
cassie holmes, in her book happier hour, offers this: try writing your own eulogy. project to the end of your life and ask: how did i show up? this makes you think about the years of your life (not the hours of your day) and clarifies what matters to you… clarifies what time is worth grabbing NOW.
we can have some unique struggles with our perception of time:
time poverty is one we already mentioned – that feeling that time is scarce – which can point to our mental load
distractions and multitasking can impact our time perception and amplify our time poverty
time blindness is something many struggle with which can impact how we manage our time and how long we think tasks will take
all or nothing thinking is a common cognitive bias where we think it has to be THIS or NOTHING, and so if THIS doesn’t fit then we don’t have the time, and we give up on our selves.
we can make associations or assertions about our time that aren’t necessarily true.
for instance we might say: if i didn’t have to drive my kids everywhere i would have more time to do what i want to do. but is this actually true? do you have to stop driving your kids in order to do what you want to do? could you instead find ways to do what you want in the time you have, even a little bit? even if it looks a little different than the ideal?
asking the question: is this actually true and then adjusting our perception, adjusting our so called rules, can help us begin to feel less frustrated and more satisfied with how we spend our time.
and it may be that you have to make peace with the time you have, right how. it may be that for you, for right now in this chapter you are ni, you actually don’t have the time.
honour that. allow that. instead of saying i have no time, practice saying: NOW is not the time. and that’s ok. we always have a new chapter ahead.
instead of saying things like:
i don’t have time… i can’t… i have to… i should… i shouldn’t… i would but… i want to but…
say: i am choosing to.
this is my number one take away about your time, this is the identity based way that we make peace with and prioritise our time… the lens we use to manage our time (both the inner and outer worlds… the calendar itself and the stories we have about our time.)
i am choosing to spend my time on ____
practice this phrase. replace those other phrases and start saying: i am choosing…
it’s stating and claiming what you have decided matters most right now. even when you find yourself scrolling aimlessly, or procrastinating in some other way, or side tracked with shiny objects, or lost in the quest for perfectionism…
i have decided what matters most right now and it is _____. i am choosing to spend my time on ____.
this can be confronting. it can point to where you need to make adjustments in your day to day life.
but this is a statement rooted in clarity. and agency.
we stop blaming circumstances. we stop with the self judgment or the resentment or the shoulds. we take ownership over our priorities. and we make a choice.
that choice might be making changes. that choice might be making peace.
own your choice.
to recap, the keys to our time include:
exploring your stories about your time – your excuses, shoulds, buts – with compassion and curiosity. meet your struggling parts and understand where those stories come from.
strengthen your sense of self NOW. who you are being & what matters to you. practice writing that new story of your favourite self and how you show up for your self. ultimately we want SELF to decide (instead of letting struggle decide) where does our time go.
look at your time again with that identity lens – that sense of who you are being NOW. what will i make time for? what will i shift, change, give up in order to prioritise what i say matters to me? where do i need to make peace with my choices?
just like we need to let our struggling parts know: this is how i am showing up for myself now, we might need to let others know as well: this is what matter to me and why it matters. this is what i value and prioritise. this is what i am choosing and this is what will change.
(and i am planning a future episode all about setting boundaries and feeling guilty or selfish – so stay tuned for that!)
but do keep noticing those old stories that bubble up of how you get to spend your time. when then do, give that part of you a big hug. say: thank you for trying to help, but that is not how we are showing up these days! let me tell you the new story we are writing about who we are here to be.
i have created a worksheet to help you explore your time stories and declare the choices you are making about your time now.
you can grab that from the show notes at karenbrandy.com/explore. and for more, you might like to check out my new workbook: untethered. it’s all about strengthening your sense of self and exploring your inner parts, so that you can get unstuck and do more of what you want for your self. the workbook is perfect for those who are self directed and like to learn and explore on their own.
if you prefer further support and guidance, i offer that too – i always say that you are the hero of your own story, but every hero needs a sidekick! i would love to be yours.
find both the untethered workbook and ways to work with me at karenbrandy.com
i would also love to hear from you… what story have you been telling about your time? what are you choosing to do with your time this year?
in closing,
i wish to acknowledge the Kaurna people, the traditional owners of the land on which i live, write, create, and teach… i also acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which you join me from.
i also wish to acknowledge that while i love to share from a variety of perspectives and therapies (including positive psychology, ACT, IFS, neuroscience, mindful self-compassion) i am not a therapist, nor an expert… i simply wish to share information and ideas that may offer insight and inspiration that YOU can use to lead your self out of stuckness and into the life you want for your self.
i also acknowledge my own privilege. whilst i am learning to lead myself through struggle i also have time, money, and support to do this work and that affords me the capacity that others may not have. some struggles will not be alleviated by self-help alone. my aim is to simply offer some new perspectives that might help shift things for you internally, no matter what further steps you decide to take.
thank you for joining me in this exploration of TIME
until next time, keep shining.