how to know what you want
“what do you want?” can be a difficult question for many of us to answer! in this episode we explore:
how do we turn on our wanting? that drive to make a change or do things differently or pursue a dream or goal?
how do we figure out what we want? or turn on our imagination to start visualising a future that is different?
and why, sometimes, is it so hard to answer the question: what do i want? what gets in the way of our knowing?
this episode is for you if you are seeking clarity, direction, focus… or simply wishing to answer the question: what do i want?
transcript: how to know what you want
hey y’all. i am karen brandy. i am an author, teacher, healer and self coach… i help people find an unshakable sense of self so that we can show up for our selves… for what we want for our selves… so that we can become the heroes of our own stories!
but what if we don’t know what we want for ourselves?
this episode is for you… if you are seeking clarity, direction, focus… or simply wondering how to turn on your own wanting.
what do i want?
for some of us, this can be a very hard question to answer!
i openly share my story of being very stuck. i went through a period of loss and depression – somewhere in those years, i lost myself, i lost my purpose and direction, and i lost my mojo. one day i decided that i needed to become the hero of my own story and so began a quest to learn how to lead my self out of stuckness and struggle. i started by finding myself, and claiming my worth. i worked on my mental health and wellbeing. i learned how to coach my self using techniques like positive psychology, acceptance and commitment, mindful self compassion, and parts work. it felt like emerging from under a very dark cloud, or cave.
but for the longest time – years! – i still didn’t know what i wanted for myself… i didn’t know what i wanted to do or have or focus on or create. it was like i could not see far enough into my own future to imagine what i wanted my life to look like… like my imagination was broken! i knew i didn’t want to stay stuck but i didn’t know what i wanted instead.
since that time i have talked to many other people who are experiencing something similar – the question “what do i want?” is difficult to answer.
some folks don’t know what they want.
some know they want things to be different, they want to feel better or life to be better, but don’t know what they want to do.
some feel stuck in how things are. inertia. languishing. surviving not thriving. things are fine, ok, maybe even kinda meh. but they can’t think of what else is possible.
some say deep down they think they know what they want but can’t seem to access it, allow it, say it out loud, or go for it.
and some feel indecisive. they think they know what they want but then question it or second guess it.
in other words, wanting can be complicated for many of us! so i decided to deep dive into the concept of wanting:
how do we turn on our wanting? that drive to make a change or do things differently or pursue a dream or goal?
how do we figure out what we want? or turn on our imagination to start visualising a future that is different?
and why, sometimes, is it so hard to answer the question: what do i want? what gets in the way of our knowing?
this episode explores all of these questions with some really interesting findings!
before we dive in, i would like to guide you through a short visualisation to check in with your sense of wanting right now.
start by closing your eyes – if you are comfortable or able to do so – if not, just let your mind quiet for a moment – clear your thoughts and take a deep breath to become present in your body.
notice what comes up as you say these words to your self…
i want.
i want.
i want.
what bubbles up for you as you say these phrases? what feelings arise? what stories surface?
i want.
i need.
i deserve.
now imagine that you hold a container to receive what you want. how do you visualise that container? are you allowed to have what you want? are you allowed to ask for what you want? are you able to receive what you want? do you deserve all that you want?
imagine that container also holds all that you give, all that you do. how much are you are giving? how much you are doing for others? how does this compare with your ability to receive? with how much you receive? how much you ask for?
lastly, imagine a road appears in front of you… a road that leads to your goals, your dreams, your future life. how clear is the road ahead? can you see what is on your horizon? are there mile markers along the way? do you feel excited about what is ahead or perhaps you feel something different?
take a moment to notice and allow any feelings, thoughts, or stories that arise. perhaps pause to jot down what wanting feels like to you right now.
now let’s jump in to some interesting things that can impact what we want!
1. stress & burnout
the part of our brain that is in charge of survival takes over when we are stressed. this means that other parts of our brain – like the parts involved in creativity, using our imagination, visualisation, focus, and future planning – don’t get as much energy.
so it makes sense that it can be difficult to determine or focus on what we want when we are in periods of stress or struggle.
dr Chris Lee says:
a stressed out brain (or a burntout brain) is not in create mode, it’s in search mode… it’s searching and indexing stress, including all the pain, trauma, or suffering you’ve experienced. this is because in stress we’re trying to avoid more stress, and also the brain focuses on what we’re afraid of. with self regulation you’ll be able to focus and create… you can begin to ask what do i want and why.
dr Aditi Nerukar says:
chronic stress hijacks your brain’s ability to plan ahead. you’re biologically in fight or flight. chronic stress floods your system with cortisol, hijacking your prefrontal cortex (the brains motivation and planning centre) and putting your amygdala in charge (the fear and threat detector). the answer isn’t more pressure, it’s more recovery.
so the thing about getting unstuck and figuring out what you want is that you can’t change what you can’t experience with your imagination, but to get to imagination you need to get out of search mode and into create mode.
recovery and self-regulation could be your priority at the moment. self-regulation is recognising, understanding and managing emotions, thoughts, reactions, and behaviours. self-regulation techniques include movement and physical activity, deep breathing, meditation, mindfulness, spending time in nature, positive self talk, reframing negative thoughts, mindful self compassion, setting boundaries, time management, seeking support, re-evaluating priorities, connection, sleep, diet.
my experience of not being able to imagine my future or figure out what i want makes absolute sense to me now, given the situation of stress and burnout that i was in. i explored many of these regulation techniques in my quest to get unstuck, so it makes sense that over time and with changes to my daily practice i slowly began to enter create mode again. i am still exploring techniques! you don’t know what will work for YOU until something works, so try everything. and when something doesn’t work (for example: for many people meditation makes them feel worse, or talk therapy does, or physical activity isn’t an option.) try other things!
2. depression & anxiety
depression affects the parts of the brain needed for attention/focus/concentration, decision making, and future thinking or planning. it also affects memory, in particular our ability to retrieve positive past experiences which are important for imagining future possibilities. and depression creates a negative self-concept – such as pessimism, defeat, and feeling like we have no control over life – which in turn impacts how future events are imagined and evaluated.
when i was deep into my struggle with depression i felt like i couldn’t access my imagination or visualisation at all… and because i couldn’t imagine the future, i couldn’t know what i wanted for my future. this makes sense now that i know a bit more about how the brain works!
the way i think about depression is that it depresses all of the buttons or switches that help me feel ignited. i.e. my light is not just one switch but more like a big switch board, and depression has pushed all of those switches way down, including creativity and curiosity and learning, which are my strengths. as i began to use my strengths i began to feel more like me again, but i was also able to start accessing my imagination a little more too.
in martha beck’s book beyond anxiety, she explains how anxiety, fear, control all live in the left side of the brain where creativity and curiosity live in the right side. an anxiety spiral – with its fight/flight/freeze/flop/fawn reactions – shuts down our ability to learn and be receptive, but creativity is the opposite of anxiety and we can activate our creativity as a way to reduce anxiety. and there aren’t any rules to creativity, you can activate it however you like, whatever feels creative or playful or interesting to you, whatever sparks your curiosity, your passion, your focus.
so purposely making time for creativity can be away to start to activate the parts of your brain that have been ‘depressed’ by depression or overridden by anxiety… and creativity is also a way to begin to activate imagination which is necessary for future thinking and wanting. what feels creative to you and what kind of creativity can you begin to add into your day to day life?
3. identity
when we have been in a place of struggle or stuckness, in crisis or transition, we can experience an identity loss or identity crisis where our sense of self becomes eroded. this can include our values, our priorities, our sense of purpose or knowing what fulfills us. when this happens – and it can happen multiple times in a lifetime – it’s no wonder we don’t know what we want!
another thing is that depression, anxiety, stress… these things lie to us. when we are deep in struggle, we can begin to listen to stories about ourselves that simply aren’t true. wanting this is dangerous, why bother you always fail anyways, the road ahead is way too hard let’s just give up now. strengthening our sense of self is important so that we can listen to the voice of self (instead of the voice of struggle) and let self write the stories about who we are and what we are capable of.
our self concept, our identity, is the key here – revisiting, remembering, and redefining our strengths, values, priorities, purpose. self is the pre-requisite. start with self.
there’s a phrase that we’d rather stay in a familiar hell rather than choose a new heaven. this is because our brain is lazy… it is going to keep repeating the same old stories about who we are and who we get to be. brain looks for the evidence that proves that old story. and brain wants to avoid anything new or unfamiliar.
the good news about our lazy subconscious brain is that it cannot tell the difference between imagination and reality. so we can actually use our imagination to start training our brain to tell new stories, notice new evidence, and tip toe into new or unfamiliar territory. use your imagination to imagine your future and imagine the new story you are writing about what you want for yourself.
it can be helpful to think of your truest self – or favourite self as i like to say – as also being your future self. when i remember that my future self – the me i wish to be – already exists inside of me, she feels more real to me. more possible. more accessible. if that future self is my true self, then she is simply just waiting for me to tune into her more often, embody her more often.
spend a little time with your future self – your favourite self – even if you can’t see yet what she is DOING you might still be able to sense who she is BEING, or how she feels. learn what her voice sounds like. learn what she needs.
4. horizonlessness
i once heard elizabeth gilbert say: we all go through periods of burnout when we’ve been in struggle mode or crisis, but this is not the time to figure out your future or find your mojo, this is the time for surviving day to day. and then will come a time where you are through the other side and you’ll feel ready to ask: ok, what’s next for me? hearing her say that gave me comfort, like of course i would eventually make it through! what i didn’t realise was how hard it would be to answer: what now?
i was recently listening to a podcast with author dr aditi nerukar, author of the 5 resets. she described something that really resonated with me. she said:
our brain is built like a dam. you power through the tough times, you keep going, pushing through what feels like a never-ending storm. when the storm passes, your brain releases all that pent up stress. it’s called a delayed stress response and it can leave you feeling drained long after the crisis is over… it’s your body’s way of processing what you went through, and it’s a normal part of the healing process. but what we don’t expect is the feeling of horizonlessness that can happen after the dam breaks. you are on the other side, and it’s just ‘meh’ ...there is nothing on the horizon. you have nothing to look forward to or work toward – you draw a blank – so you have no forward momentum.
so even when we’re thrilled to have made it through a period of struggle, even when we are so ready (as i was) to start writing a new chapter, it makes sense that we’d still find it difficult to figure out what we WANT in that new chapter because we can’t really see our future.
dr. nerukar suggested that we practice having things to look forward too. your first cup of coffee in the morning, the walk or yoga class you have planned for later in the day, the home cooked dinner you’re making later, new sheets or fresh pjs at bedtime.
practicing the act of looking forward to the little things in our everyday life can help us to start seeing the future again after a period of stress or burn out. when you wake up in the morning try naming 3-5 things you are looking forward to, and then as the day goes on practice looking forward multiple times in the day. when you have or do the thing you were looking forward to, notice it: damn i have really been looking forward to this! as you practice looking forward, notice when you begin seeing bigger and further off things start popping up in your horizon.
having something to look forward to is also a way to experience more joy. apparently, the anticipation of a thing creates as much joy as doing the thing! how awesome is that?! and practicing experiencing joy, especially after a period of struggle, is a way to begin exploring what we want more of for ourselves… yes please universe, more of this!
5. allowing
are you allowed to want things?
were you allowed to want things when you were young?
have you been allowed to want things before now?
ooof. this can be a big one. we all have stories about what we have been allowed to want, what we have allowed ourselves to want. and maybe some of those stories bubbled up for you as you did the visualisation at the start. different parts of us have different stories about what we are allowed to want… exploring these stories can help us understand our struggle. for instance if a part of you is a…
people pleaser: perhaps you became very good at knowing what everyone else wants, and abandoning your wants for others’ wants, desires, or needs.
don’t rock the boat: perhaps you learned that what you want is an inconvenience, dangerous, will cause a problem or upset someone.
good girl: perhaps you learned that wanting is selfish, greedy, not nice. maybe you learned “you get what you get and you don’t get upset” or like my little daughter was told by a grandparent: it’s rude to say what you want.
on her podcast, good inside, dr becky asked: “is being a good girl just a way of saying i care more about what everyone wants of me than what i want for me?”
you might also explore if a part of you feels guilty for wanting things to be different, wanting more than what you already have, or wanting something just for your self.
is there a part of you that feels not deserving of what you want, not worthy of what you want, or like you are not enough or maybe too much to get what you want.
exploring these old stories with the parts of you that are struggling with wanting is very powerful. we can become a wise leader to our inner parts, showing them how that story is no longer serving you and how that’s no longer how you are choosing to show up for yourself.
it’s time to write new stories about what you are allowed to want!
6. layers to explore
in his book the coaching habit, Michael Bungay Stanier calls “what do you want?” the gold fish question… bugged eyes, moth opens and closes, with no sounds coming out.” he says:
often we don’t know what we want
if you do know, it’s hard to ask for it
if you’re courageous enough to ask, it’s hard to word it well (so it’s clearly heard and understood)
if you can ask clearly, it’s hard to receive the answer
so there are layers to wanting, and there’s a lot more to answering the question “what do you want” than we may realise!
we must keep exploring those stories we have about wanting.
is saying “i don’t know what i want” a protection mechanism? what are you protecting yourself from?
do you have uncertainty or doubt around HOW to get what you want? in your capacity to achieve or attain what you want?
do you have fears or worries about what will happen IF and WHEN you do get what you want? what are the negative consequences to wanting?
is there something wrong with what you want? perhaps you shouldn’t want this thing? what shoulds and rules and judgements bubble up?
again, understanding these stories helps you to understand the parts of you that are trying to help or protect you. strengthening your sense of self allows you have a bigger container to hold those fears or doubt… allows those parts of you to struggle while knowing you can and will lead yourself through.
7. decisiveness
sometimes the hardest thing isn’t so much knowing what we want it’s actually choosing it. picking. deciding. there’s a few reasons why this might happen.
grief. one of the reasons we don’t want to choose or decide between all our options is that when we do we immediately begin to feel grief for the things we didn’t choose, for the path not taken or the road not travelled.
life is loud. other people’s wants, needs, opinions are loud. should and guilt are loud. there’s the possibility of disappointment or judgement or letting someone down or failure. we might need to set boundaries and that can be hard and fraught with more guilt or judgement.
overthinking. ruminating. spiralling with fear, failure, perfectionism. overthinking is sometimes defined as trying to solve unsolvable problems. i have also seen overthinking described as underfeeling. we stay in the space of figuring it all out so that we don’t have to feel the underlying hard feelings.
avoiding making a decision is a way of avoiding discomfort. but we strengthen the self so that we can build resilience for discomfort. we can handle discomfort. you’ve got you babe! you can see you through grief, guilt, disappointment, judgement, fear, failure, or any other tough things that bubble up as you go for whatever it is you want.
avoiding making a decision can also be a way to stay safe. if you learned that your wanting was selfish or dangerous or rude, your body and nervous system learned from that message… that wanting isn’t safe. so your body might not be clear at signalling wanting and desire inside of you. you might not even know what a YES or a NO feels like inside your body. somatic or embodiment exercises can be helpful in tuning into and turning on physical sensations: what does wanting feel like? what does an inner yes or an inner no feel like? and how can you create a sense of safety within your body and nervous system?
sometimes it can help to start with the smaller things. what do i want right now in this moment? what does my body want to do later – is it move? or perhaps rest? what do i want to eat… like if it could just appear in front of me, what do i really want? learning to listen to our own wants and desires… and beginning to actually give ourselves the things we want… can take some baby steps! practice simply noticing and acknowledging what you want… listening to your inner self and your own needs and desires. and whenever possible give your self the thing you want, become a person you can trust to honour your wants and needs.
so it turns out, for many reasons, ‘what do i want?’ really can be a tough question to answer! but now we know some ways we can support ourselves to find the answer.
you might need to first practice nervous system regulation and expansion, and somatic or embodiment exercises to bring your brain and body back online. you might also need to make time for creativity, imagination, and looking forward. and you might need to strengthen your sense of self as well as explore the stories your inner parts are telling about what you are allowed to want and how much discomfort you can handle… practice holding space for all of your parts and build discomfort resilience.
i have created a worksheet with questions to ignite your wanting… you can grab that from the show notes at karenbrandy.com/explore. and for more, you might like to check out my new workbook: untethered. it’s all about strengthening your sense of self and exploring your inner parts, so that you can get unstuck and do more of what you want for your self. the workbook is perfect for those who are self directed and like to learn and explore on their own.
if you prefer further support and guidance, i offer that too – i always say that you are the hero of your own story, but every hero needs a sidekick! i would love to be yours.
find both the untethered workbook and ways to work with me at karenbrandy.com
i would also love to hear from you – what do you WANT for your self this year, this chapter in your life! i would love to know! please do DM me or send me an email.
in closing
i wish to acknowledge the Kaurna people, the traditional owners of the land on which i live, write, create, and teach… i also acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which you join me from.
i also wish to acknowledge that while i love to share from a variety of perspectives and therapies (including positive psychology, ACT, IFS, neuroscience, mindful self-compassion) i am not a therapist, nor an expert… i simply wish to share information and ideas that may offer insight and inspiration that YOU can use to lead your self out of stuckness and into the life you want for your self.
i also acknowledge my own privilege. whilst i am learning to lead myself through struggle i also have time, money, and support to do this work and that affords me the capacity that others may not have. some struggles will not be alleviated by self-help alone. my aim is to simply offer some new perspectives that might help shift things for you internally, no matter what further steps you decide to take.
thank you for joining me in this exploration of WANTING. until next time, keep shining.