how not to give up on your next level self
yah but what if we have been trying to BE our next level self, and still NOTHING changes!
this episode is for you if you have been trying, you’ve been doing all the things, and you are wondering: why won’t it work? we explore the liminal space of identity shift - the gap between who you were and who you are becoming. we also explore: grief, timelines, energy shifts, and cognitive dissonance… as well as what we do while we are waiting for change.
try the workshop - becoming - to begin your own practice of becoming your next level self. karengunton.com/becoming
transcript: how to not give up on your next level self
hey y’all. i am karen brandy. i am an author, teacher, healer and self coach… i help people with the self expansion and identity shift required to show up for our selves and for what we want for our selves in this next chapter of our life or our business.
but what if we have been trying to BE our next level self, and still NOTHING changes.
this episode is for you if you have been trying, you’ve been doing all the things, and you are wondering: why won’t it work?
the liminal space of identity shift
that gap that you are experiencing right now – between who you once were and who you are yet to be – is real. this is the liminal space of identity shift, and it’s a whole thing: this is the threshold – the messy middle – where you are no longer the you that you were but not yet the you you are becoming. if you are feeling that right now – this sense that you are in between your old self and the self you are becoming, or even if you feel like you’ve lost your old self and feel sort of unmoored or unsettled – congratulations! this is a great sign of identity shift.
another sign that you are in the liminal space of identity shift is feeling itchy in your own skin – like things aren’t quite right or like you don’t quite fit. maybe none of your clothes feel like you any more, or friendships/relationships feel like they have been shifting, or even like your space is a bit off kilter. random things might get on your nerves or feel extra annoying (where you used to not be bothered.) you might have an urge to declutter, or to change up your routine, or cut your hair! our ‘stuff’ holds the old frequency where the new version of your self no longer lives… we begin to notice that in our body. (that itchy or not quite right feeling.)
the hard part is that this gap or in between state can begin to feel quite uncomfortable… you might feel disoriented, restless, lost, maybe even a little bit of panic, fear, or doubt
our nervous system doesn’t like uncertainty – we are wired for safety, and that usually means predictability – so it makes sense that you might feel like giving up on your self at the moment. be sure to up your personal practice of any nervous system capacity or regulation strategies you like.
and practice discomfort resilience: “i allow myself to be in the in between. the unknown is not unsafe, it’s just unfamiliar.” and if you can think of previous times where you have experienced this gap, the unknown or uncomfortable, remember that you handled it!
when we are in this liminal space our brain is quite flexible and optimal for rewiring! with a loss of ‘normal,’ and with old or usual patterns suspended, we are open to new connections, insights, and meanings. so this is a great time to use your imagination to practice new stories of who you are being. (see previous episode on imagination!)
cognitive dissonance
another thing you might experience is the cognitive dissonance between your internal world (the future self you have been imagining) and the external world (the reality that won’t shift.)
this can create feelings of hopelessness, resistance, even unworthiness, defectiveness, and abandonment. when we do the inner work but our reality doesn’t shift we might notice old stories bubbling up: the universe does not have my back! maybe i am not good enough. nothing ever lands for me. (no wonder we might feel like giving up)
being in this in between state requires psychological flexibility: we must practice acceptance of what is – allow the difficult experiences of reality to exist (stop wishing things were different to what they are.) allow discomfort - hold space for it! allow those thoughts and feelings to be present without attaching the stories and meaning to them.
and we can also keep up our practice of imagining a new reality – allow both worlds to exist without over identifying with either. a somatic practice of anchoring what you imagine in the body – with your breath, posture, felt state – can help our nervous system recalibrate: the imagined future becomes real even if reality hasn’t caught up yet.
then, in our present reality, we take action aligned to the self you imagine. in this way we accept what is hard and real but we act not from this reality, rather we embody our next level self – we commit to what we say matters to us. (instead of giving up!)
grief
another thing that can bubble up – that can make us feel like we are doing it wrong or that we are on the wrong path – is grief.
as you strengthen a deeper sense of self and as you expand into a next level sense of self, you might experience an ache…
for what might have been if only you had honoured/healed/claimed yourself sooner
for ways you may have abandoned your self (compromised, rejected, neglected, dimmed, or ignored)
for a version of you who was hustling for worth, or sabotaging herself, or didn’t seeing herself clearly
last year i did a program called be the channel with lynn hord – and as i worked on that expansion of my identity to “i am a channel” it came with grief – for the past version of me unable to fully step into her magic, for the time/opportunity/growth i lost, and for the version of me that might have been but never got to exist.
something that helped me to grieve was forgiveness work. we are often taught that the work is to forgive others but i actually love to practice forgiveness between my self and my struggling parts, and forgiveness for past versions of me who of course only did the best they knew how. my favourite forgiveness practice is ho’oponopono: i love you, i am sorry, please forgive me, thank you. for me, the i love you matters most – self compassion is one of the most powerful things we can practice. try these simple phrases while imagining you are hugging a past version of your self.
sometimes when we become our next level self we think a version of who we once were – unworthy, scared, lacking – must be lost, let go, or die. we might hear or be told that that old version of who we were cannot come with us into the future! and of course that would cause some grief!
my identity approach is a little different. i think we carry every version of us, every part of us, always. it’s not about rejecting who we were, but rather it’s acceptance and allowance that she did the best she could. it’s having compassion for a past version of ourselves while also recognising that is not how we show up any more.
what we let go of is an old story that no longer serves who we are here to be, and the grief we feel is an ache for a version of you who only knew that story. allow the feelings of loss, sadness, anger… ache for who that version of you was and for what she never got. honour who she was and all that she did. become the one who gives that part of you what she needed.
identity work is not all fresh starts and clean slates! beginnings start with endings, new levels require stepping away from the old. so while you find yourself in this liminal space, it’s a perfect time to honour what is ending – without bypassing, putting a positive spin, fixing or reframing. acknowledge an end to an identity. grief – endings – can often feel raw, uncertain, uncomfortable. most of us aren’t used to it! this identity grief can be a great opportunity to practice building your capacity to allow discomfort. i like to think that discomfort resilience is about building a bigger container.
time
there’s this idea that change takes 21 days. i have no idea if that’s even true but what i have learnt is that identity level change often takes longer than starting a new habit because it runs deeper. just think of the years and years of accumulation to create an old version of you!
it can take 6 months or more of consistent practice, repetition, reinforcement, evidence to rewire the brain to hold a new identity story, and to trust the new story you’re telling.
i do have clients who have felt that their identity work created an instant shift. i’ve experienced this too – just last week i did a kinesiology session that felt like it created an instant shift, my reality did indeed change quite dramatically in the days following. but there are months and months of ground work – self work – behind that shift.
so maybe you’ve been doing the ground work and it will be just one new strategy or one more breakthrough or AHA that finally really shifts things for you, or maybe you are just starting to work on creating an intentional identity shift… either way, become so devoted to this favourite version or yourself that giving up is not an option. because most people give up before the miracle. they doubt, they get frustrated, they tell the story “it’s just not meant for me” and the ground work peters out. it’s like doing yoga or pilates when you give up the pose and then the instructor says 2 more. if i knew there were just 2 more i could have kept going! we need to trust that shift will happen if we do not give up, if we hold onto our practice… we need to trust that the practice is what creates the shift!
proof
one of the ways we recalibrate a new identity story is by collecting evidence over time. but proof can be a tricky thing – we can rely on proof to do the work of nervous system capacity. “see… it’s all working out!” but then, if we don’t see proof of change, our nervous system can feel unsafe again, and then our mind makes up those stories about who we get to be… we doubt, panic, chase, scramble, give up.
the evidence is not about being certain, it’s about staying anchored into your chosen identity story – your next level self’s values and beliefs and habits and frequency. proof can be things like: you stayed present. you didn’t spiral. you let discomfort be present without telling a story about how you are failing. you showed up for your self even when it was hard. collecting evidence simply means noticing what experiences feel like the story you are writing about your self, now.
and the crappy stuff that shows up over and over while in an identity shit – the setbacks, the failures, the times where nothing lands and nothing seems to change – those things are not proof that you’re doing it wrong. they are not a sign that you are on the wrong path or that change will never happen. they are also you just noticing – noticing where to keep practicing your new identity story, where to go deeper or to explore new layers, where your self (your body, energy, spirit, or mind) is ready for a next level of self work.
energy
as we step into a new, or even stronger or expanded version of our self, we also step into a new kind of energy – a vibration or frequency. you might notice it in moments or places or with people where you feel most like you, or perhaps in practices where you feel particularly connected to your sense of self.
but we of course have other moments where we dip into our old energy (our old sense of self, our old stories, patterns, habits.) we also have times – especially when our outer reality doesn’t reflect our inner shift - when we doubt, resist, feel discouraged our frustrated. we tell that old story – like things aren’t landing, i’m still stuck, nothing ever changes – and then we just notice more evidence that story is true… which takes our vibration even lower.
this experience can sometimes feel like we are just stuck in a loop – like one step forward two steps back. just know that every time you revisit your old energy it’s an opportunity for healing and compassion… for resilience and expansion. be ok with being there again, it’s safe! and then come back to centre – to that sense you can connect to of your favourite self – and back to that higher frequency. anchor into feelings of gratitude for your self, trust in your self, and connection to your self. find your faith that everything is unfolding perfectly for your highest expansion and try to losen your grip on the control of how and when it has to happen.
the more you do this – the more often you notice you aren’t in the energy of self and choose to come back home to your self – the more your sense of self becomes an unshakable foundation. from this place you can more confidently wait for reality to catch up.
becoming
while you are waiting… be careful that you don’t get into a new kind of stuck where you are just wishing for a magic wand to appear and somehow, magically you become a new version of you. we aren’t actually waiting for our future self to appear, we become that version of ourselves with every little step we take towards them.
this liminal space of not quite yet who you are becoming is the perfect time to explore the work of becoming! who do you want to be? what do you want for your self and who do you need to be to do the things required? you might not be able to imagine your future self in great detail, but can you imagine one quality they have that you can start claiming now?
confidence, courage, creativity, worthiness, abundance, flow, joy, love, self-belief, strength, visibility, magnetism, spirituality, surrender, permission, freedom… these are all things people have told me recently that they want for themselves. these things do not magically appear! they are learned and practiced and cultivated.
my mom gave me this quote 26 years ago: "the jump is so frightening between where i am and where i want to be... because of all i may become i will close my eyes and leap!" the more i help people get unstuck and become someone who shows up for themselves and their dreams, the more i think the leap isn’t all that scary. don’t wait around for who you are becoming to magically appear or for a magic moment when it’s time to leap. i think now that becoming happens through a series of tiny steps, and that the magic is in in you choosing your self. no more waiting, no more staying stuck, and no more giving up on yourself.
i am teaching a new workshop – called becoming – to help with the practical steps of identity shift, to help you create your own self practice. we don’t wait for a magic moment for who we are becoming to magically appear – we do the work now to take steps toward that version of self. find it at karenbrandy.com/becoming
i would also love to hear from you have you noticed any signs of identity shift? have you been waiting for a magic wand to become more of what you wish you could be? have you felt like giving up on this version of self? please do share – send me a DM, an email, or comment on any of my posts!
in closing
i wish to acknowledge the Kaurna people, the traditional owners of the land on which i live, write, create, and teach… i also acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which you join me from.
i also wish to acknowledge that while i love to share from a variety of perspectives and therapies (including positive psychology, ACT, IFS, neuroscience, mindful self-compassion) i am not a therapist, nor an expert… i simply wish to share information and ideas that may offer insight and inspiration that YOU can use to lead your self out of stuckness and into the life you want for your self.
i also acknowledge my own privilege. whilst i am learning to lead myself through struggle i also have time, money, and support to do this work and that affords me the capacity that others may not have. some struggles will not be alleviated by self-help alone. my aim is to simply offer some new perspectives that might help shift things for you internally, no matter what further steps you decide to take.
thank you for joining me in this exploration of the liminal space of identity shift – and how we can’t give up on our selves!
until next time, keep shining.