today i am sharing another story… this is my journey with depression (something i have been experiencing for 9 years.) i share what this experience feels like for me, how i have strengthened my sense of self to navigate it, and some of the practices that i find helpful when depression comes to visit. i also explore self-compassion, healing, parts work, and the mind/body/spirit connection. (click play to listen or scroll down to read.)
resources:
untethered - karen brandy (my workbook to get unstuck)
internal family systems:
No Bad Parts – Richard C Schwartz
Parts Work: An Illustrated Guide to Your Inner Life – Tom Holmes
Self Help – Gabrielle Bernstein (using IFS as a path to healing)
acceptance and commitment therapy:
A Liberated Mind: The Essential Guide to ACT – Steven Hayes
The Happiness Trap: Stop Struggling, Start Living – Russ Harriss
self-compassion:
Self-Compassion – Kristen Neff
Mindful Path to Self-Compassion – Christopher Germer
positive psychology:
Authentic Happiness – Martin Seligman
Flourish – Martin Seligman
other helpful books:
Beyond Anxiety – Martha Beck (struggles of anxiety with a parts apprach)
The Way of Integrity: Finding the path to your true self – Martha Beck
this is how you overcome depression and the real depression project (on instagram)
transcript: my journey with depression
welcome to the next level self podcast. i'm karen brandy. i help people get unstuck by strengthening and expanding our sense of self.
today i am sharing my own story… my journey with depression
before we begin i have a disclaimer: the following account is my personal journey with depression and is not intended as medical or psychological advice. my wish is simply to normalise talking about mental health, sharing the truth of one’s struggle, and celebrating the moments of strength we can find as learn to better support our own healing and growth.
in 2018 i found myself struggling with depression. my previous podcast episode about being lost & then found goes into this in much more detail but essentially between 2018-2020 i experienced a number of losses one right after the other, with a pandemic thrown in too - it was a tough period for sure, with hard things coming in one after the other - and whilst i had experienced bouts of depression before, they were fleeting and temporary compared to this.
for me, depression feels like i am slogging my way through a riptide – like i am going against the current (or slogging through mud or jello). everything feels heavy and slow and dim and hard. i feel hopeless. and careless, in the sense that i do not really care about any of the things that normally matter to me. depression feels like i’m stuck in a dark cloud… i can see the light out there but it’s too far away to reach me. and it feels like a black hole… i feel pulled out of reach of the very things that i know will help me feel ignited again.
in 2021 i decided that i needed to learn how to help my self through this darkness and find my light again. i remember that one day i was dragging myself out of bed and into another day that felt endless and purposeless, and i remember thinking: i wish there was a magic wand that would magically make everything better. and then i heard a voice in my mind say: what if you are your own magic wand? have you even tried to make anything better? what could you try?
i decided not to try antidepressants at that time, though i am a firm advocate for mental health medication. but my sense was that my depression was linked to loss and grief and was situational, so i wanted to first explore therapeutic techniques and lifestyle changes. later, as i began to explore other health related issues, i also began to suspect that my depression is related to perimenopausal hormone fluctuations… to this day in comes and goes quite randomly so i still do believe that hormones are related.
i also decided not to see a therapist. again, i am a huge advocate for therapy! however, my previous experiences with therapy ended up making me feel quite broken. i had a therapist say that i was too broken and so she couldn’t help me, then the psychiatrist she referred me to said she couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me so she couldn’t help me either. a counsellor i saw another time basically suggested i should “suck it up and get over it.” so i was definitely hesitant about trying therapy again, plus i thought what am i going to talk about, how sad i feel? that did not feel helpful… therapy in the past had also left me feeling frustrated – it felt like a lot of talking (and crying) without any doing, or changing.
so i wondered what then i could try to genuinely help myself heal and transform.
i started by making one appointment with a doctor to test my iron levels; that felt like a simple thing to address that could be affecting my energy. i also started walking… a “walk for mental health challenge” showed up in my feed, which felt like a nudge from the universe. and i started learning about depression, mental health, and psychological techniques. walking became my time to listen and learn – and because learning is one of my strengths, the act of learning in and of itself was strengthening and healing!
the concepts and techniques that have helped me include: positive psychology, acceptance and commitment therapy, mindful self-compassion, internal family systems therapy, somatic therapies, neuroscience, and spiritual healing tools as well. there’s no one thing that made all the difference, rather it has felt like baby steps leading me from one thing to another thing to another. slowly, slowly i began to heal, began to feel better, and began to feel like me again.
i wanted to feel well – so wellbeing became my purpose – i decided to become my own wellbeing warrior (and that was my first real intentional identity shift, i didn’t know at the time how much acting as if i was a warrior fighting for what i said matters would help! what would the wellbeing warrior version of me do? maybe i’ll just try!)
i focused first on mental health, learning tools and techniques to support my depression, anxiety, rumination, trauma, and grief. then, particularly as i began to learn about perimenopause, i have added in more to support my physical health and wellbeing. most recently i have been exploring and expanding my spiritual wellbeing. it’s interesting because the goals i have for my body – strength, stretch, steady – are also what i am practicing in my mind and spirit, what helps in one area helps in all areas!
the through line through all of it is identity… remembering, strengthening, and igniting my sense of self. when i went through that big period of loss i felt like i lost my self too, so being finding my SELF seemed like a good place to start.
what i believe now, is that self is the pre-requisite to anything we are stuck or struggling with. it is not a magic wand – no matter how much i wish i had one. but it’s a powerful starting point. because of the work i have done to strengthen my sense of self, i know now that i am not the dark cloud, i am the whole fucking sky. i am not this black hole, i am a brilliant universe. i am not this one damned riptide, i am the whole, magnificent ocean.
for me, that ocean still includes depression. it comes and goes. sometimes for a few days, sometimes for a few weeks, or months. when depression first showed up again after i had being feeling better, i got scared. a part of me thought: oh no! here we go again! but what’s different now is that i’ve got a much stronger sense of self than i did before, i trust that i am the one that will see me through any hard thing that comes my way.
in fact i know that in the coming months and years i am going to experience more hard things… i will have losses and transitions and stressors coming my way (and i would bet that is true for all of us!) that part of me still thinks: oh no! what if i sink into depression again! but my truest sense of self, my favourite self, says: i’ve got ME, babe. no matter what. i am now my own steady centre through all of life’s ups and downs, even the depression that still comes and goes.
here's the three things i try to remember and practice when depression shows up.
depressed = deep rest.
when i notice that heavy, mud like feeling of slogging through life… of feeling careless, and hopeless… i let myself rest. and for me there can be a fine line between rest and numbing. depression is numbing, and in that state it is easy to turn to numbing activities like scrolling mindlessly on social media or watching endless episodes of mindless TV. (i know it’s mindless because i actually don’t care much what i am watching… the watching is just something to do.) so i try to be mindful of the rest i choose – i choose things that feel deeply restorative or nourishing or grounding. in fact i make it a bit of a game, or treasure hunt: what is the yummiest thing i can think of to do that counts as deep rest?
early in my healing journey i tried restorative yoga and spent the whole hour thinking: this is pointless, i am just lying here, what a waste of money, what a waste of time! then i thought: wow. maybe this is what i need the most. i noticed then that i could hardly be in my own body. my self only existed in like the top 10% of my head. and any activity that required embodiment terrified me! i was at a conference and the speaker asked us to move our bodies while she chanted a song and i could not do it! i knew that the second i got into my body i would feel all the things all at once and become nothing but a weeping puddle on the floor. after that experience i knew what i needed to try next… embodiment practice became part of my healing and now yin and restorative yoga is a regular and recurring practice in my week.
deep rest can still be challenging though! it requires a willingness to be curious about what is nourishing to you… to try things that are sometimes out of your comfort zone (like that yoga class that once pissed me off and is now my most favourite part of my week!) it also requires giving yourself the permission to truly rest. which brings me to the next thing that helps…
depressed = depressurise
my depression lies to me. it tells me stories like: why bother. what’s even the point of anything. you should just give up. no one cares. nothing matters. your time to shine is over. if you aren’t making a difference now, if you aren’t successful yet, if you aren’t better at this, you never will be! you suck.
before those stories felt like a weight on my shoulders that i couldn’t shake. my mind was filled with: i should, i shouldn’t, i should, i shouldn’t. my shoulders literally ached with all the should-ing i was doing. (and with the perimenopause i was experiencing.)
now, i remember that depression lies. and my only job is to notice those stories as lies and let go of all the pressure to do anything but rest and recover… to depressurise the situation.
i was listening to Byron Katie who said that she was in a yoga class and when the instructor said ‘namaste’ she thought they said ‘no mistake’ – and to her that made absolute sense! no mistake. no mistake. no mistake. that’s what i whisper to myself now when i notice the lies and remember my job is simply to depressurise – no mistake. this is part of who i am, this is what i am here to do. there is nothing else except take care of me.
depressed = depress
as part of my healing, learning, and self-coaching journey i read martha beck’s book – beyond anxiety – where she describes creativity as the opposite of anxiety.
that got me thinking about what the opposite of (and pathway out of) depression could be? i used to think that the opposite of being depressed was being ignited, as though somewhere inside of me there was a switch i could turn on and off. but now i think that self is more like a powerboard made up of 1000s of lights and switches, depression comes along on presses all of those switches into the off position. i can imagine that feeling in my body actually – everything pressed down to off… heavy, dim, and numb.
but as i take care of me i can begin to remember me again, to connect with my self again. slowly, slowly, i can begin nudging those switches up just a little at a time. depressing – unpressing, lifting, rising – back to the on position.
what are the buttons of self? strengths, values, desires, purpose, passion, direction, drive, connection, community, belonging, gratitude, service, spirit… i like to make a list. even if all i do is remember the whole spectrum of the different ways to feel ignited, remembering is enough to remind me that depression isn’t the only one with access to my buttons.
so those three things again are deep rest, depressurise, depress (the buttons). again, not a magic wand! i wish. and also not a prescription for anyone else. it’s simply what helps ME to remember how i see myself through the middle of this thing i often struggle with.
on compassion…
the number one thing that has made a difference to being able to navigate these periods of depression is self-compassion… it’s also the thing that was hardest for me to figure out! as i was learning and beginning to practice acceptance and commitment therapy techniques i was really struggling to understand the idea of acceptance. that work led me to explore the concept of self compassion. it all sounded really nice... i wanted to accept, allow, drop the rope of struggle. i wanted to practice self-compassion. BUT HOW… it all sounded like lip service to me. (my brain is very much a “but how” kind of machine.)
then i learned about parts work, first from martha beck and then through IFS – and that for me was the missing key. i had already begun to strengthen my sense of self but learning that i was both a self + many internal parts made sooooo much sense to me! there is nothing WRONG with my SELF, we are simply human and sometimes our parts struggle and resist and would rather hide in bed.
suddenly i had something to turn towards with compassion. humans are wired for connection – but giving ourselves the connection and compassion and acceptance we so readily give to those we love can be very tricky. the idea of parts work made it make sense to me… and now self-compassion is at the very core of how i navigate hard things – including depression. it is how i practice the depressurise part of my plan.
i am not going to say it’s easy, it often is not, and it’s called a practice for a reason. we practice! but when i notice that depression is back i no longer beat myself up that i should be better than this, i should just be over it by now, i should be able to get off the couch and do things… my only job is compassion for my self and my struggling parts.
is depression a part?
i don’t think of it that way. the black cloud of depression comes along and affects all of my parts. my inner a+ girly who just wants to be good really struggles with the voice of depression telling her she sucks. my inner warrior action taker feels useless with no mojo. my inner baby witch loses her connection to spirit and spiritual practice… it’s like the line’s gone down.
for me it helps to think of depression as an unwelcome, annoying visitor that you have no choice but to allow in. like the great auntie that drives the whole family crazy yet we all just accept that sometimes she comes to visit and we have to manage.
as i mentioned, depression tells me stories like: "you suck!" so in those moments i can't really trust my own brain. this can make doing things like implementing business plans and life plans hard – stuff that last week seemed awesome, now i am worried sucks.
recently, while i was struggling with depression, i wrote in my journal: "like with any uninvited, difficult guest that i find i am obligated to host, i do not need to listen to depression's nonsense. i can smile and nod and then turn towards those i trust for a more valuable perspective."
then i went into a trusted business bestie chat and asked for help. my friends, i said: can you please remind me of something i am awesome at? i started a double page spread in my journal to start a list of answers – when depression comes back and lies to me again, i know where to look for the voices i trust.
and because depression lies, i like to play a little game of “what if i do the opposite”. just like with that grumpy old great auntie – if she says: stay home, everything sucks out there. i think: why on earth would i take that terrible advice. and do the opposite. this little game has helped me text my friends when i was struggling, leave my house and get outside into nature, move my body and get some happy hormones flowing… depression not once has been correct!
and because i can imagine depression like a dark cloud visitor, i can remember: it’s not all that i am… i am still me under this cloud, and i can still show up/try/share/take action depressed. also, this visitor doesn’t get to boss me around… see previous idea of doing the opposite. and i remember, it will leave, eventually. i have survived every single one of those visits! i can trust myself to navigate another.
on healing…
the last thing i wanted to explore today is the idea of healing.
i used to think healing meant fixing. somehow i had to fix myself and fix my problems and fix my life.
or perhaps healing meant eradicating. like if i could just get rid of the depression (and the anxiety and the grief and the heaviness of overwhelm, and the emptiness of depletion) i would be ok. i’d be better.
or maybe healing was meant to be “getting over” or “overcoming” something. getting over the grief and loss, overcoming the depression and depletion.
i no longer think this way.
to me, healing means ‘whole-ing’. moving towards wholeness, the process of becoming whole, coming home to my true self.
it’s about reclamation, recovery, restoration of all of me, every part of me, every version of me, and every quality of me. i turn to every part of me with compassion and curiosity, i allow all of me to be known, i welcome all of me home.
i think healing is hearing – hearing what each part of me has to share – because every struggle has a story to tell.
i think healing is feeling – allowing the truth of an experience to be felt. and expanding my container of self to hold every part of me.
i think healing is helping – self walks hand in hand with any part of me struggling or hurting. i’m in this together – i am guiding my self home.
back in 2015 i was in a group with a dear friend helping her to practice her mediumship. during the wonderful reading that she did for each of us, the message i received was “you are a healer.” this really threw me for a loop! at the time of this reading i had just started the lighthouse revolution and i wanted to help people shine their light in the world. i supposed that healing might be a part of that but i had no idea what a healer does or how to be a healer or where to become a healer… it wasn’t an identity i had ever thought of for myself nor a job title i ever thought i would try out… frankly i was confused and unsettled by this message.
fast forward to 2021… in my exploration of self and identity, my learning how to coach myself through struggle - i come across a quote that said:
i am a healer because i have what i need within me and around me to heal myself.
reading that, i instantly flashed back to the message my friend gave me. wow. it all makes sense now! remembering back to that moment from my past gave me such a sense of peace in the present, i knew for sure that i did indeed have everything i needed, that i would indeed heal.
thinking back on this now i am so grateful to that friend and her message from her guides… that friend has now passed on, i hope she can feel my love and gratude from the other side.
being told i was a healer over a decade ago absolutely threw me for a loop! but later, remembering who i was in a moment when i needed to most, made all the difference in the world.
i am a healer.
you too are a healer.
there is no way we are getting off this ride called life without needing to heal.
if you are struggling with depression or any other thing – please do turn to those who can help. being a healer of your self doesn’t mean you go it alone – it means accessing the tools, the people, the knowledge, and the practices that will aid in your healing. and also – do remember the power of your self. we don’t need to give our power away to others who perhaps make us feel broken or like a problem to solve – we don’t need to keep trying the strategies that work for others but don’t seem to work for us… again making us feel broken or like we must be the problem.
this is the power of starting with self. remembering who you are, remembering you are more than the struggle you are currently in, remembering you are NOT broken and practicing compassion for every part of you struggling… and learning how to hold space for your self, lead and guide your self, through struggle.
i am by no means an expert at this… it’s an ongoing practice. in my most recent period of depression i wrote this in my journal.
i feel like i am tuned very into my body now – my energy and that slogging through mud feeling, feeling not hungry and feeling tension and clenching, feeling tired but having insomnia.
and i am able to notice my mind – my thoughts and beliefs and stories – and the voice of depression that is different to myself (the one that lies).
i am getting better at staying tuned into spirit – keeping my spiritual practice just like i do my physical health practice - even if the black hole tries to suck it away.
but i don’t feel connected to my self.
those were my words across the page.
and then the next thing that came through was this:
remember: SELF lives in BODY MIND SPIRIT (and more!) tuning into self IS tuning into your body and walking and yoga and sleep and rest. and it’s recognising the voice of self in your mind. and trusting that spirit is ALWAYS in you and with you, even if the connection feels fuzzy. that’s actually what faith is.
you ARE connected to self… and this moment, while depressed, is an opportunity to practice SELF even when things are different, or difficult, or change.
good job you.
if you are curious about some of the learning i mentioned in this episode, i will put a list of books and resources in the show notes. i also created my own workbook called untethered which is the practice i use now to guide myself through struggle – including depression. find it at karenbrandy.com/untethered
before i go i want to assure you that i am ok. i share my story of depression because i want to normalise talking about the struggle, and i am resourced enough to hear from others who are in struggle. please reach out to me any time with your own story… i walk this path along side you with compassion.
in closing, i wish to acknowledge the Kaurna people, the traditional owners of the land on which i live, write, create and teach, i also acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which you are joining me from today.
i also wish to acknowledge that i do love to share a variety of perspectives and therapies, including positive psychology, ACT, IFS, neuroscience, mindful self-compassion. i'm not a therapist. i'm not an expert. i simply wish to share information and ideas that may offer insight and inspiration you can use to lead yourself out of stuckness and into the life you want for yourself.
i also acknowledge my own privilege. whilst i'm learning to lead myself through struggle, i also have time, money and support to do this work and that affords me the capacity that others may not have. some struggles will not be alleviated by self-coaching alone.
my aim is to simply offer some new perspectives that might help shift things for you internally, no matter what further steps you decide to take. thank you for joining me in this exploration of depression.
until next time, keep shining.
